" ...so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life."

Changing Plans

2011-06-01T21:47:00.001-04:00

“ The Lord has kept me from having children. Go, sleep with my maidservant; perhaps I can build a family through her. “ ~ Sarai,
Genesis 16:2

Most of us are familiar with God’s promise to Abram of innumerable offspring - and we know how Sarah tried to “help” the process along. In fact, I felt so familiar with this story that when I was reading it recently, I was tempted to skim through it just because I ‘knew’ the story already. But, because I felt that prideful ‘been there, read that’ moment, I purposefully slowed down to read it again. And God faithfully revealed a fresh new detail that I’d never noticed previously.

God had decided long ago that Sarai wasn’t going to have children. I feel certain she prayed for children. But somewhere in her journey, she settled with the reality that God had closed her womb and that possibility. I kind of found it curious that she hadn’t tried to build a family earlier through her maidservants – but instead it seems she had just resigned to the state of being childless. When Abram shares God’s revelation with her, she doesn’t seem to lament this change of plans – but shifts into “planning” mode following her belief in his encounter. She simply states what she’d seen all along – that if God’s plan was for Abram to have children, it wasn’t going to be through her. How did she know that? Because that’s how it had always been. The Lord had already closed her womb.

“The Lord has kept me from having children.”

Here’s what I want us to catch. Sarai’s mistake wasn’t solely a lack of faith in God’s ability to keep His word or make His plan happen. Her ‘faith mistake’ was interpreting God’s future plan for her by her past with Him.

Pretty reasonable assumption, don’t you think?

In fact, I’d go so far as to say for most of us, God is only as big as we’ve experienced Him personally at that moment. I mean, we read the stories and know in ‘theory’ that God can do a whole lot, but often we assume that power is for everyone else… for another time and place, and a story better than ours is at the moment.

Think about your own life. Is there anything that you’re eager for God’s involvement in, but you find yourself limiting the possible outcomes to only the realities you’ve experienced so far with Him? Maybe you’ve returned home from the field to a church that you feel will never change. Maybe you start down a path towards a new mission field, only to have God put on the brakes. Maybe your marriage, which seemed so full of life at the beginning, feels increasingly dead as time goes by.

The call to let God work in our lives free from the assumptions of His work in the past is a tough one. Joseph is a fascinating example. When Pharaoh’s dream needs interpreting, and Joseph is called up out of his cell, we assume he reveled in the fact that he was finally vindicated. But I wonder if Joseph was really all that excited? I’m sure being out of prison was a relief, but when Pharaoh says he will give Joseph one of the highest positions in all of Egypt, does Joseph struggle with a little flashback? I mean, in Joseph’s life, interpreting dreams and being raised to positions of power were always followed by dark valleys of injustice and loneliness. Was he tempted to just ask for freedom and walk away from the leadership?

The more life God gives us, the more tempted we are to think we’ve seen Him work as much as He’s going to work. It’s easy to be a ‘fan’ of God and still bind ourselves and our faith up to only what we’ve experienced firsthand. I encourage you to anchor yourself to the truth that God doesn’t say that He can only do what we ask or imagine. He doesn’t even say He can do a little more that we can ask or imagine. He says he can do exceedingly, abundantly more than we ask or imagine. That’s a big invitation to imagine beyond what you’ve experienced so far. Keep seeking!

A happy New Year...

2011-01-01T10:12:00.005-05:00

Wow... it's a new year. Already!

When I think about what to write here, I'm a little unsure. Reflecting back, if I were to be totally honest, the last couple of months have been a roller coaster in my head and heart.

First, a few months ago my family and I headed to Walt Disney World... a bucket item list for me that a year ago I wouldn't have dreamed was possible anytime soon. Good friends blessed us with an amazing place to stay, and we had a ball. Jason had never been, and it was fun to be so delightfully exhausted all together. I'm SO grateful we had the chance to go!

The last couple of months have been a real spiritual battle in my own heart and mind. I've not struggled with depression before... but considering I'm not one who cries often, and I've cried more in the last few months than I have in the last few years, I'm thinking that's what might be going on. I've always valued facts over emotions. But I'm learning that when the accuser takes 'facts' and twists them in your mind, that can create a lot of emotion. :-)

I'm recognizing that the last two years, specifically with homeschooling, have held immense change for me, and walked me into an area where I'm most uncomfortable. So I've retreated. Isolated myself. Been afraid to fail, and sure I wasn't going to succeed. I took every possible sign to prove myself right in those thoughts, and been nervous at any point in which my suspicions might be exposed to anyone else with out me stating it first.

It's miserable. Downright miserable. Did I say miserable?

Terry had a quote recently that struck me: "As long as self has the stage, fear has an audience."

I'll be honest. I keep asking God to take away this struggle. Either show me another way to school my children that will meet the needs homeschooling HAS met, or make me good enough to keep schooling them without stress and worry all the time that affects them. And He clearly has given me signs that He CAN do either one... I couldn't miss it! Nor could I miss the sign that He isn't offering the changes right now. I'm guessing He has a reason for that. :-)

What He is offering... is Himself.
I haven't wanted that, though.

I've wanted a new, improved, me. A me that can ________________. A me that doesn't _______________. And if along the way, I could also______, and __________, and not ____________, that would be great too. Oh and could I also have back some opportunities do to things that make me feel good about myself? And that other people would commend me for? If facebook were to summarize my year in prayer, I'm afraid it might have ME all over the picture. Hmmm.... guessing there's a connection between that and the depression, too.

Last night, my sweet husband gave me 7 hours to myself while he and the kids when and played. The house was clean, all chores done... no to do list or distractions to keep me from just relaxing. So I spent some time reading and listening to some messages that God had arranged for my heart to be ready to hear. It takes so little of His word and work to bring such renewal...and reminds me why He calls me to prioritize time for this!

New Year's resolutions are fresh on everyone's minds. There are lots of plans to do things differently this year, and I'm no exception. But I want to take the "me list" out of the equation.
I want be watching for God's plans... and to respond with a trusting heart that focuses on His power to accomplish whatever He calls me to, and a thankful heart that knows He will not remove my weaknesses just because I beg Him too. It may be that "My grace is sufficient for you" is His answer, and my thoughts and prayers need to refocus on the power He has always had to be God over the world and over my life.... and my sin.

It's my hope that confessing the self-centered nature of my heart will be the first step out of the pit, and back into the world where God is working all the time and inviting me to participate in His amazing work. It will be a happy new year because the Gospel still exists for all, including me, and THAT is the GOOD NEWS that I'm invited to start each day with.

So I think I will. :-)

Just a few things I loved about AIMstock....

2010-09-06T23:14:00.004-04:00

So… our first AIMstock just ended. (Why the red underline, MS Word? This will be in your dictionary soon enough…)

And to be honest, I hate camping. I hate sweat and bugs and outdoors when they are all at the same time. But for good people… I will do it. And so this was a weekend I would do it for. I had no clue how appreciative I would be by the end of it.

So here are some of the reasons why I loved this weekend, and what I loved about it:

*When Jason called me to tell me that the place hadn’t been cleaned as expected and they had to bug bomb it on arrival, I knew immediately that this was a group of friends who could handle it and wouldn’t freak out. They’d already been taught to be flexible. And besides… most of us lived in less than Hilton conditions on the field.

* Arriving late to a campfire and familiar faces I don’t get to see nearly enough. Waves and smiles from people I dearly love… realizing we’re about to pick up where we last left off… no matter how long ago it was.

*Sitting under the stars and talking about how big God is… And seeing it at the same time.

* Our kids… playing together like no time has passed.

*Hannah falling asleep in my arms.

*Singing around the campfire. Singing. Singing. Singing.

* Singing Alabare, and No Hay Dios, and Solamente in Cristo. Then someone asking if we could sing something in Russian or Thai. Nope… can’t.

* Smores. Glowsticks. More Stars.

* Walking up to the cabin in the dark and overhearing the kids have this conversation with each other.

“Won’t it be so cool when we grow up and we’re all missionaries together?”

* And hearing the rest of that conversation:

Her: “When I grow up, I’m going to go to AIM, and then do whatever God wants me to do.”

Him: “Yeah. Or you could be a wrestler.”

* Seeing the little girls set up their bunks. Together. And Tonya gets mom of the year for sleeping on the top so the girls could be together.

* Walking out the cabin door to see all the tents neatly lined up. Knowing those tents are filled with more people I love. Every single one.

*Early morning mist.

* “A cow woke me up.”

*”There were wild animals. And I think I heard three gunshots.”

*Seriously yummy sausage gravy.

* Walking in and seeing friends reading their Bible, getting up early to go pray, alone or together. And no one’s making them.

*Remembering why I have such deep love for these people. Even the ones I don’t know well…yet.

* Discussing how AIM, for many of us, was our spiritual parent…the first real experience of discipleship, by which we judged all other experiences, good and bad. Appreciating more that simple but profound reality, and it’s place in my walk with Christ.

* Seeing Kris and Barb walk in. Then learning they’d taken a motorcycle 8+ hours to see us over lunch, and then head back another 8 hours.

* Knowing in this crowd… even if a job isn’t delegated…everyone pitches in till whatever is done. Serving is ingrained. It’s fruit of a life lived loving Christ.

* Listening to mountains and valleys...

* Talking. About stuff that matters.

* Watching friends relax. Watching my friends hang out with my kids. Realizing this really is more like family.

*Getting to know people I knew I’d love… and loving them.

* Watching a second generation of kids learn to “be flexible”. Little Piper and Michael could take a nap on a concrete floor with the best of them.

* Being out on a beautiful lake with my husband and kids in a rowboat.

*Hearing, (while in that rowboat…) “Mom, go right! Go right!” Now left. Left. LEFT!!!” Realizing they’re too freaked out and we have to do this more. THEN realizing the last time I said those same words, I was in a dugout canoe in the rain forest with a 12 year old Ecuadorian boy leading us to find caiman… in AIM.

* A huge slip and slide. Smiles all over kids faces.

*Seeing Cory dump his kids off in the middle of the lake.

*Tigger getting back in the lake just to help Eli and Allison get on the floating dock… jumping back through memories from years ago that I never knew would lead up to moments today that I appreciate so deeply.

*Being especially content and more relaxed than I’ve been in a long time. Coming to a mutual realization that in AIM, we learned to have very deep, intimate, friendships…. and that most of us have a hard time ever finding that quality of friendship again.

* Steak and Chicken for dinner. Cajun Shrimp boil for lunch. Seriously? Who EVER gets that while camping?!?! De.Lic.ious.

* Sunday worship… a meal together. Hearing our children ask questions about our relationship with Christ. Sitting around the tables… a family of almost 40… and yet every bit intimate.

* Breaking bread and communion within our families. Explaining… to my kids, as my friends explained to theirs. Knowing they’ll remember.

*“Time for a drawing!” It’s the FORD family. It’s the FORD family. And again… it’s the FORD family!

* Nerts. I still liked the loser table.

* “It’s the end of the world as we know it. It’s the end of the world as we know it… It’s the end…”

* Taboo.

Cory… thanks for ruining this game for me forever.

Chris… playing so well... After it’s over. “Stupid.” You were the best part of the game, friend.

Donovan and Brandon’s faces… caught in pained silent laughter and tears as Katie tried so hard : “It’s when you’re in a car accident, and you don’t wake up , and your uh, …. and you don’t remember anybody…. “ “COMA!” “Yeah! “Oh wait…. it’s’comma’.”

*Our poor kids actually putting themselves to bed…whether going to the cabin by themselves, or bringing up sleeping bags to sleep on the floor in the dining hall while we played and laughed and played.

* Realizing it felt so late… and it was only 9:30.

*Cheese crack. Twinkies. Guacamole.

*Morning on the lake.

* Small groups. Question #8: “Is anything keeping you from sharing the difficult parts of your experience like Paul did?” and sitting there, choked up, wiping tears from my eyes, praying that God will help me figure out how to say ‘pride’ and ‘judgment’, and it make sense, and not make a fool of myself…and not being able to do it. Then Alisha says “Pride and judgment. Does that make any sense?” Ummm..yeah. Thanks.

* Mountain and Valley notebooks. Okay. Who didn’t rip into those like a 3 year old at Christmas? God knew us when He said to encourage one another….

I could go on and want to… but I’ll wait for next year. It’s on my calendar. :-)

Closets of the heart...

2010-07-19T10:35:00.003-04:00

This morning I had camped in my prayers before God about some areas in my heart in which I just continue to remain at arm's length from people... reluctant to accept help or just in general prefer to be independent... and what God might need to heal in me to be more open and relational. I prayed, and 'ended' my portion of prayer, and then decided to pick up in my reading where I had left off yesterday. That's where God picked up and responded to me.

"By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us- set us right with Him, make us fit for Him, we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. And that's not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that He has already thrown open His door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand - out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise." Romans 5: 1-3ish. (The Message)

As I listened, I realized God was showing me a picture in my mind. In certain pockets of my heart, for any myriad of reasons well rationalized out by my enemy, I only slowly inch open a creaky door.. because I fear what I imagine on the other side. And because I picture the wrong response, because I believed the lies... I take this slow, agonizing journey to open up to this beautiful scene that could have been mine minutes ago. (Or years ago.)

I share this because I figure, once again, it's probably not just me. Somewhere, someone else is wondering what would happen if they really just flung that door open fearlessly.

Here's to the praiseworthy grace and glory on the other side.... and to choosing to walk right through and live in the freedom of it. :-)

She would be 14 today...

2010-06-30T10:27:00.005-04:00

She would be 14 today. It's hard to imagine having a teenager. We would have passed that threshold last year, though, and this year would be one of those less-eventful celebrations as birthday parties go.

But we haven't celebrated birthdays. In fact, most years, this is just a quiet, lightly mentioned day between Jason and I. We talk about going and feeding ducks, as we'd vowed to do that in remembrance each year. A lake sat outside the hospital while she lay inside, and we convinced ourselves while in one of those moments of forcing yourself to have hope that we would "one day, bring her out here to feed the ducks."

That day didn't come. When I think about going and doing it now, it just makes me sad. Maybe because it feels like a broken promise. Ironically, like in the days following her death, going about some ritual that she 'should have' been a part of feels like a betrayal. But those, indeed, are words of sadness, not words of reality.

I've got a long way to go in the way of learning to be flexible, but I am at least learning that the "should haves" can be so overbearing in our lives that they can shut out completely the beauty of "what is" if we let them. If we let the "should haves" consume us, they will oblige.

So what "is" our reality?

God is faithful.
Beautifully, amazingly faithful.

The NICU nurses, who became like family, gave us a book at Jessica's death called "Big George". It is a precious little novel, about the life of a little boy who never leaves the NICU.

It was signed by the author. And filled with messages from the nurses. And the doctors. And the RTs. And Jessica. Her sweet, tiny little footprints mark the bottom right hand corner inside the front cover. How I love the nurses who gave us this gift!
And at the end of the story, as the Beep! Beep! Beep! of the alarms around George alert those tending to him of his little life slipping away, he thinks:

My human suffering is gone. The Light is my life, my greater happiness, the salvation of me and all souls, and I am of the Spirit. Michael's hand takes mine.
"Am I a full-fledged angel now, my brother?"
Michael smiles and lights Earth's morning clouds with golden rays, then releases my hand but does not speak. No matter. Entering Heaven... I am fully aware of who I am.'

That's our reality. She is now, more fully aware of who she is, than I probably am of myself.

And I embrace wholly the reality that our God is faithful.
He gives.
He takes away.
Blessed be His name in all of it.
He brings beauty, from ashes.
Life, from death.
Hope where there shouldn't be.
Hope where there once wasn't.
This is a reality that far, far surpasses any "should have" I would have wished for myself.

Thank you, Holy One, for your faithfulness.

Forgive and Remember?

2010-06-14T22:12:00.003-04:00

So I'm reading an book by Catherine Claire Larson called "as we forgive". It's a compilation of life stories of those caught in the Rwandan genocide that killed over 800,000 in April of 1994. It's a shame that it was on the $3 shelf at Mardels, but if it weren't, I likely wouldn't have picked it up. And I've been turning pages at every free moment today.

In 2003, Rwandan president Paul Kagame chose to release some of the Hutu prisoners who had been jailed since the genocide. Intensely overcrowded prisons, and a fledgling remnant of society that could not have processed every prisoner's case in 200 years necessitated a move that would be unthinkable to many of us: release of some 60,000 prisoners... back into the villages where their victims were still trying to rebuild their lives. Even though they were labeled "lower level" offenders by comparison, many were still killers, and the atrocities were unbelievable.

So as I read some of their stories...victims and criminals alike, learning to live side by side, I'm fascinated. I won't share the stories.... but I will say you should hurry to Mardel's get your own copy. Although I will warn that it is not for those with a weak stomach. The sin and horror is told as it happened. For truly, you can't understand the depth of forgiveness if you can't grasp the gravity of the trespass...

These side by side daily life encounters of neighbor who killed neighbor brought me to an interesting thought. Many of us struggle with the phrase "forgive and forget". Some of us know that "forgetting" wasn't actually a biblical partner to the mandate of forgiving...yet we desperately wrestle within ourselves as if forgiveness isn't truly achieved if forgetting it all still alludes us. All of us ask the question, "But how could I forget?"

I sat tonight and thought about someone who was my biggest challenge to forgive. I remember struggling to forget for years and thinking I must not have forgiven. Now I know I can't forget. In fact, I can remember better every moment of that particular betrayal than most other memories...everything in the room, every word said, the temperature, the lighting, sights, sounds, all of it. And yet, I have forgiven, fully, wholeheartedly forgiven. I realize now that my desperate desire to forget was really a desperate desire to escape the pain of memories...sort of a wishing for the restoration of naivety...a mental escape from the reality of the potential evil in every human being, even those we think are trustworthy. (Or the fear of that same potential in ourselves.)

But, had I been granted that wish of forgetting... I would have lost the greater power connected to forgiving. What if forgiving really was connected to forgetting? Would we learn? Would we be changed? What WOULD we remember?

Thankfully, my God needs no such lessons..His love is and always was greater than my own... as far as the east is from the west, my sins are removed from me. There is no need for Him to learn something greater...but for me, oh the grace that exists in remembering! The overcoming confidence that with every memory or pain, there now exists something greater that can occlude & overshadow even that evil which was unimaginable to me, and that its potential, because of Christ, can actually live in me.

I've not taken any steps to live beside the one I've forgiven. I haven't had to like many of the Rwandan people. As I read some of their stories, I realize that those who have gone to that unimaginable reality with hearts seeking and offering forgiveness also have a character I can't imagine having. And if we didn't have their stories...if they forgot, or we forgot...

If that one Ultimate offering of forgiveness that covered us all were allowed to be forgotten because of all the pain it carried... would we really be able to fully rejoice in our restoration?

So if remembering can tie us not to our pain but instead to our redemption... and if our pain can become not our identity, but our marker for the point at which we were introduced to something even greater... maybe forgetting is a worthwhile goal to discard....

No.. not exactly. But thanks for ruining the moment.

2010-05-09T20:40:00.003-04:00

My kids are awesome.
As we walked together tonight, we pointed out a duck gathering her 12 chicks under her for the night. It was really an amazing sight to see all these little ones eagerly following her and listening to her. God's design for nature is simply amazing... so much to learn from.
Jason pointed this out to the kids, and referenced the passage when Jesus said he longed to gather Jerusalem under his wings like a hen gathers her chicks. I just commented that its so neat to have a picture right in front of us about how God feels about us.

Eli said, "Jesus wants to put his behind on top of us?"

I love my kids. :-)

What's the Password?

2010-04-27T09:40:00.003-04:00

As children often love to do, Julia put a scarf up across the doorway to the room we do school in this morning, and declared that I couldn't pass.

"What's the password?" she said, standing her ground.

"I love you?" I guessed.

"No."

"You love me?" I tried again.

"No. It starts with 'sch'....", she offered.

"School is awesome? School is great?"

"No."

"School is going to go really long if you don't let me through?" I tried.

"No"

"Okay. I give up. What is it?" I say. "

"SCHOOL!" Julia says, as if it were just so obvious.

I never would have thought of that.

THEN she tells me,
"You know, you could have just done the limbo." :-)

Rules of Engagement....:-)

2010-01-20T13:58:00.001-05:00

So often my son, when being corrected, will say “You’re right, you’re right.” He genuinely means this as a signal of submission, but in the middle of a frustrating moment, it can be tempting to assume he’s being arrogant. More than once, “I know I’m right!” has slipped out of my mouth.

So he said it again today, and I gently tried to explain to him the confusing reactions he gets from people when he says this.

“Eli, I know you mean well, but when you say this, it sounds as if there were some doubt originally that the person was right. Just say ‘I’m sorry’ and be done with the discussion, okay?”

He looks at a magnet with a little saying that is posted on my refrigerator.

“But Mom,” he says, quoting the magnet that my sweet husband bought me recently, “I thought ‘All women like to hear the three little words ‘you were right?’"

I laugh, looking at the magnet and realizing how confusing the world is to him at time.

As if on cue, he says “This is the problem all of us men have. You give a woman what she wants, and then she asks for something different.”

I hate Homeschooling! & Why is homeschooling so hard?!!

2010-01-15T00:02:00.003-05:00

So, occasionally, when I'm having a really emotional moment, I will just "google" the phrase of frustration running through my head. It's really funny what you can find sometimes!

Twice recently, I've googled the phrases "I hate Homeschooling" and "Why is homeschooling so hard?!" just to see if anyone in a desperate moment has felt the same way. I was really shocked to not find much out there. Oh... there are people who hate homeschoolers - they have plenty to say. But as for finding committed homeschoolers just ranting while having a bad day... they seem to be few and far between. That's a good thing, I guess. Nevertheless, I titled my blog today those two phrases so that if I ever google them again...at least I'll find myself. :-)

I did find one blogger who said: "Homeschooling isn't hard. Parenting is."

And when I thought about it, I realized they were right. And I guess I'd add that my own self transformation is the hard part too. Homeschooling is a personal workout for me. I'm having to let go of perfectionism, and yet remain disciplined. I'm having to learn how to have fun. (It doesn't come naturally.) I'd rather be boring and nerdish. I'm having to listen, not just talk. I'm having to be patient. I have to let my kids make messes. I want to be one of those free-spirited moms. But that freaks me out a little bit, too.

Today was a winner of a day. (Not.)

After telling my kids one more time that I needed them to pay attention while I tried to do their science experiment of building a telescope for them, I finally gave up and told them to read it and finish it on their own. (Now some of you experienced moms are thinking I should have made that move from the start!)
After 15 minutes of genuinely trying, I hear a lens fall to the ground and crack.
"Mom, it broke. What do we do now?"
Frustrated, I tell them to go ahead and write their report on their experiment. They are supposed to tell what they learned. I admit, I'd expected this, and feel justified in having them write about it.
My goal of having everyone feel as miserable as me is working.
10 minutes later, Julia brings her report over to me:

What I did: I broke it.

What I learned: A picture of a sad face & tears & the words "I can't do it without Mom. I love you Mom!"

Amazingly, everything is capitalized and punctuated appropriately. For the first time today.

It's the saddest thing I've seen in a long time. This is not a pretty moment for me. I'd like to take this page out, but I think it will need to stay. A little humble pie I'm sure I'll need to snack on again.

But I guess, in the end, we all learned more. We learned we do need each other. And I learned they can do a lot more without me that I realize. I realized I don't want to be in control..and I don't want things to always be neat, if the result is kids who are scared to learn apart from me.. kids who are afraid to make mistakes...

I learned that my kids actually want me to keep doing this. (I tried to tell them that I don't know that I'm cut out to teach them, at which point they both broke into tears. Another winner moment.)

Most of all, I'm again learning to trust God. This whole path is so unfamiliar to me. I don't seem like a good fit for this thing. And yet, here I am, convicted more than ever that it's right. Convicted that it's harder than I ever imagined it would be. Convicted that there will be more days I want to quit.

And convicted that it is all worth it.

My seven year old encouraged me with these words:
"Mom, remember Mrs. Mudroch? She had days like this when she began... but now she's one of the best teachers. Probably every teacher has these days. But you'll get better and better. "

Yeah.
Who needs telescopes, anyway.

Did I ever mention I'm not very flexible?

2010-01-05T00:55:00.003-05:00

So a crazy year of job changing, house hunting, traveling, house buying, moving, and Christmas. Oh, and our first semester of our first year of homeschooling, too. (I was the only mom who thought it was exciting for my kids to start kindergarten! How did this happen!?) ;-)

This is a year that will be marked in the history books for me personally. If this were a roller coaster, I'd have thrown up a few times already.
The highs and lows have been pretty significant.... but then, it's usually in those moments that we grow the most.

I think this is the year that God has allowed me to run to the end of my chain.

Not pretty.

Every time I think I've gotten to the end of myself... along comes one more piece of me who thinks she can control everything better than all the previous attempts. It's funny what pesky little friends come along with her, though.
Anxiety. Perfectionism. Insecurity.
Little miss control freak, as I call her, doesn't do quite the job she claims she will of keeping everything in my life calm.

So, it's been one of the hardest years for me in a long time. And yet, like previous years that have been equally hard, it's been one of the best:

God has confirmed that He is indeed, in charge.
My best attempts to control have again only resulted in proving how desperately I need Him.
He's showed me that I can change, and it's not as terrifying as it seems.
He continues to reveal that I still need to change. And that yes, to change will still seem scarier than it really is .

And He's rewarded some of the scariest leaps of faith I've taken. New relationships from my job, new levels of trust in Him as I leave it. New burdens for purity and obedience in my life. New desire for freedom in Him from my old habits and flesh. Maybe one of the most treasured to me today is a new relationship with my children.

I'm certain I'm not the only one who's made scary decisions this year, and has some more sitting out there to make. If you do, I'm prayerful tonight that you'll not look for how God will help you do the hard, right thing, but that you will just know that He will, and move on what He has called you to.
He's growing us all up, one step of faith at a time, each morning with new mercy for that day.
Little miss control freak just doesn't get that kind of peace. :-)

Christmas lists...

2009-12-13T22:59:00.000-05:00

Julia's Christmas list this year:

"An American Girl doll, a refrigerator and microwave for my bedroom, a spy kit, my own computer, and $5000."

Seriously.

Anybody know where I can get a spy kit?

... and do you think I should leave her alone in her own room?

So easy a caveman could do it.....

2009-08-14T22:54:00.004-04:00

Well, today we completed our first official week of homeschooling!

* Whew. *

Monday, I was nervous and eager to begin. So we began our day at 7:30 am.
When we ended at 4 p.m., I told Jason I was re-enrolling them in school.

But, thankfully, the rest of the week has gone better - and ended a little earlier. :-) They are learning - and report that they're having fun. But I'd guess the biggest learning curve is mine. I'm one of those people who said they could never do this... and I meant it. Funny though how sometimes you can find motivation that's bigger than your fears.

My patience and flexibility..... well, even using a possessive pronoun like "my" for those words seems like hypocrisy. But... they're stretching and growing. I might grow into some yet. My seriousness is learning to loosen up a bit. My gentleness is getting a much needed workout. My listening ability is perking up. I'm learning to let my kid bounce a ball, swing, and spell all at the same time. (Even though it drives me crazy. ) Just proves he's already smarter than me.
Ultimately, these are all the things I wanted God to grow me in, but didn't want to take the time to let Him. And the time with my kids is so worth it. I'm still learning how to educate them well. But they're certainly losing no time on me.

My favorites this week?

Julia - praying one night after we'd studied about creation, death and sin:

"And God, about Adam and Eve. I sure hope they learned their lesson."

Eli - (This one needs explaining - but it's worth it.) We'd been studying about Jubal and Tubal-Cain in Genesis 4. Short references about them show they were master teachers of iron and bronze making, and flute and harp playing. Iron making alone is a very dangerous and complicated skill... and these references are significant to show that historically, early man was intelligent - something that stands in contrast to evolution, which would assume lesser intelligence of early man, and often where we get the picture of cavemen from.
As we wrapped up ... Eli was to summarize what he'd learned from the week's lessons. When he got to this one he stated: "Jubal and Tubal-Cain teach us .... that Geico must have it all wrong."

And so ended our week. ;-)

Julia Funnies

2009-06-22T23:31:00.002-04:00

So Julia cracked me up again today.

First, this morning, we discussed lifeguards, as she is taking swimming lessons.

J- "Mom - why don't the lifeguards (at swim school) carry those little boards?"

Me - "Well, all of them are right there with you - they don't need them like when we're at the ocean."

J- "Yeah. Drowning at the sea would be really harsh for kids. First, because you'd get salt in your eyes, and second, because you'd drown. "

Then, this evening, Julia went to the bathroom in McDonalds and came out with an incredulous look on her face.
"That was a creepy bathroom. It was creeky and made all kinds of noises. And do you know what I saw in the toilets when I went in there?!?"
(Of course ...I'm caught with the reality that I really don't want to know, but she is so eagerly anticipating my reaction, I have to say "What?")
"One toilet was full of toilet paper - and I mean FULL!! Another was all yucky and there was a sign that says 'We're proud of our restrooms!' .......I don't think they could really be proud of that, do you?"

What's his name?!?

2009-05-29T22:04:00.002-04:00

Sitting with my niece tonight, we began putting together some Thomas the train puzzle pieces. She's so adorable and bright. So we're talking about everybody and who they are:
Me: " Now, who is this, Elizabeth?"
Elizabeth: "Edward the Train"
Me: "And who is this blue one?"
Elizabeth: "Thomas the Train!"
Me: " Good! And what about this guy (pointing to the man)- does he have a name?"
Elizabeth: (thinking for a moment) "I don't know?"
Me: "Should we give him a name?"
Elizabeth: " Yeah! Potty Train!"

I'm a groupie...

2009-03-05T09:49:00.003-05:00

I’m not a groupie. Well, there was that New Kids on the Block phase when I was in 8th grade. But otherwise, I’m not a groupie.

I’ve been around a lot of name droppers, and I’m just not impressed, really. I don’t think it’s as much of a noble quality in me as it is a social unawareness. The same characteristic in me shows up often and can create really awkward moments.

When we were preparing to move here, I knew Terry Rush’s name. I knew some were really impressed that we’d get to work with him. But I didn’t grow up with his name being familiar or grow up going to the workshop that so many know him from, and I’d never read a single book he’d written. I’d heard a sermon once that did impact me, and I’d gotten a card from him with a neat message that I’d held on to. And when we were first married, I’d remembered that he’d arranged for us to be able to come to the workshop when we couldn’t have otherwise afforded it. When I met him at that workshop, he called me friend, so I assumed he didn’t really know my name….:-)(I was wrong…see that social awkwardness showed up again…) But still, I thought he was nice.

This morning, 6 years after moving here, I had a funny experience. I have a new desk – and I love it. Neat, organized – no clutter except what I’m working on. I want to keep it that way. I’m a little OCD like that.

Except there is this card sitting there, that I opened in the mail yesterday. From Terry. His laughing face after a strike out at the Cardinals camp in Florida this summer. And I want to put it up on the desk. Maybe even frame it, I don’t know. Then I have that fleeting secondary thought…. that I will look like a “groupie” with his card taped to my neat desk.

But it really was fleeting…because immediately I am flooded with the recognition of something significant.
I have worked with this man for 5 years… and despite the many opportunities to see ‘true colors’, my affection and respect for him has not lessened in that time & those experiences, but grown intensely. (And I’m hard on people at times!) His weaknesses are endearing because they only magnify more the strength of our Father’s spirit in him. He doesn’t hide himself, and he doesn’t hide God in Him. His strengths are impacting because they carry the force of heaven behind them.

The smile on this card makes it my favorite one yet… because I live and work and watch the man and know it’s real…I’m changed and different because of his character, integrity and love for our God.

I’m so a groupie about that.

Wedding Ring Logic....

2009-02-23T14:09:00.003-05:00

So last night, after tucking him in bed, Eli and I talked for a while about all kinds of things, but the subject of marriage came up. As he played with my wedding ring, he asked me all kinds of questions... He asked about the cost of rings, -did you have to buy the diamond, or could you just get the band?- and which was more expensive. We talked about what a wife would want. At the end of the discussion, he said : "I've decided I'm going to be a miner when I grow up."

I told Jason we need to be praying for his precious wife. I think she'll have to be a Dave Ramsey kinda girl. :-)

Kidnapping logic

2009-02-17T23:01:00.003-05:00

So our fam thoroughly enjoyed the long four day weekend -Monday was the first full day I've had with the kids in a LONG time - and it was a joy. We headed to Chick-Fil-A and while sitting in the drive through, Eli, taking an especially friendly turn, rolled down his window and waved hello to a woman crossing the parking lot with her 4 kiddos and a baby stroller tow.
In an unusual reversal of roles for the two of them, Julia was mortified.
"Eli! Stop it! You don't even know them!" she scolded.

"What?!? I'm just being nice?"

"Yes, but they are strangers. How do you know that they're not kidnappers?" Julia warned.

"Well, usually people with that many kids aren't really looking to take any more, " he replied.

Turning around....

2009-01-21T09:34:00.007-05:00

Today is a sad day for me. I think it's a good day, though.

Today as we were walking in to school, my son walked a few steps ahead of me. When we hit the door, he headed up the steps, and didn't look back. Even when I said goodbye.
There had been no fight. He wasn't mad. I just realized he was cold. And tired. Of me.

Julia skipped on to class with me, oblivious, and I was thankful.
But the contrast was painful. And I cannot be oblivious.

I think 9 is too early for this. But so is 16. So is 21, and 37 and 54.
Culturally, we tell ourselves this is normal... part of growing up and growing independent. I even let some of those phrases try to reassure me. But I realize that's a lie. Growing up and growing cold aren't the same.

Twice in the last week, he's told me that he's really bothered when I point out all the bad things he's done, and don't point out the good things.
In the few hours I have with him each day, correction is a constant.
If things are going well... I'm just thankful .
I don't balance needed discipline with intentional encouragement.
I'm 'too tired' to be creative or fun... or do much of anything besides just 'get by'.

And I tell myself and my family that I'm doing 'all of this' so I can quit and homeschool our kids next year. At one point I was questioning how much damage from my attitude and this schedule could really be done in just 6 months. And then I realized how appalling it was that I was even asking that question.

Today is the day that I realize everybody else is right.
I've been talking to people about boundaries, and having few, in the name of ministry and in the name of accomplishing goals for my 'family'.
I talk about prioritizing, and haven't - in the name of ministry and family.
All the choices I have in front of me are good.... to not choose one of them... will not "feel" good.
From a heart standpoint... none of the tasks needed or the people behind them are worthy of disappointment. And burnout seems crazy to consider! I'm surrounded by wonderful people!
But that's the point. It's not everyone else's fault.
It's mine.
My passion for ministry changed to a passion of pleasing people. Or avoiding displeasing people. And I don't even have a good attitude about it anymore.
My ministry ... isn't about Jesus.
He had boundaries. He said no to people he loved. He worked hard, long hours. He rested and related to people. And his priority was always His Father.

My family has become a checklist of goals I'm working towards... but not living among.
Saying yes to everyone really isn't ministry at all. And putting my family last really isn't being a mom at all.

How many people have learned this lesson?

Friends have warned me I'm doing too much. But I thought they were wrong. I thought I was pretty strong. I knew it was just for a time.
But I didn't think about the strength of my kids.
Sure... I can hold up this crazy schedule.
But I expected them to go along.
And they do, compliantly, without choice. But not without affect.

How foolish of me. I hate being wrong - but I hate even more being foolish and prideful.
That image of Eli walking up the stairs and not looking back is now burnt into my heart.

Thank you God, for letting it sting. For letting me sob over this. THANK YOU!
Please forgive me for putting You and those You gave me last.
Please give me strength to say no, kindly, to others. Please heal if that 'no' hurts them.
Please give me wisdom to say yes only to what you call me to.
Help me not expend energy in things you didn't plan for me to do. I've done way too much of that.
Help me watch more for what You desire for me to do. Help me turn my drivenness over to you. I believe it is from you, but not always reigned by you.

And please help me now to heal the messages I've sent to my son and to others.
You know how to communicate love. Help me watch You. Closely. Remind me that it's the most important endeavor- to learn from and to emulate You.

That, Father, .....Your love... helps us grow up, but not cold.

Fashion feelings...

2008-12-21T23:52:00.000-05:00

Friday was a "Free Dress Day" for the kids. Since it's normally uniform dress, this is a big deal. So I stood trying to pick out a cute outfit for Julia.

A cute green striped shirt with winter mittens on the front. Perfect!

Apparently, not so much.

Julia, diplomatic but obviously disappointed says, "But mom, green doesn't really inspire me...."

Mexico Missionary Retreat 2008

2008-12-01T22:04:00.001-05:00

Bags are unpacked... laundry is started... and Eli's crying for the 4th time today because he already misses Mexico. :-) What an amazing trip!
We headed down to Guadalajara to spend a few days with Jason's brother Aaron, before traveling to the unique city of Guanajuato, Mexico for the annual missionary retreat. Jennie traveled to GDL a couple of days early so we could spend some extra time with her too, and it was just an incredible time and an amazing trip. There's so much to share and I don't even have pictures uploaded yet to share! So I'll have to do it little by little.

Friends, new and old. Wow. It's moments like these that we are so humbled by the quality of people we are blessed to be have a relationship with. Jason went to speak and encourage, and because of God's faithfulness I think he did, but we were the ones who surely felt most blessed and most encouraged.

Cindy - I did visit the Mummy museum - and left the fam behind. :-) Aaron, Jennie, Toby and Brettin went with me, but can you believe it- the only souvenir I got was the receipt for the handful of toilet paper I bought when I had to use the bathroom. It was pretty amazing though. I'll be sure not to tell you about it. ;-)

The kids did well. We were taking Acidophilus tablets in hopes of not getting sick while we were there - and one night Eli asked me why:

"Because they will help us stay healthy since the Mexican food could make us sick," I said.
"What does the box say?" asked Eli
"Sinuberase." I said. "Bacilos Lacticos, restaurado de la flora intestinal."
"What's that mean in English?" he asked.
"It means it helps the restore the good bacteria in our stomachs." I said.

"MOM...." Eli asked, "Why, if the Mexican FOOD can make us sick, are we taking the Mexican MEDICINE?!?"

I did have to think about that for a minute....

More reasons I love my 9 year old.

2008-11-17T23:07:00.000-05:00

Eli's a teacher at heart. Sunday, he was working up a 'series' that he was going to teach. We have a little dry erase board at home, and so this particular class he was working was called the "Wipeoff Board" Class. :-)

When they came home from church, Eli had Jason sit down so he could hold his first class. It was on the topic of worshipping the 'real' God versus false gods. Somewhere in the conversation, he made this statement that Jason shared with me later.

"Now, a false god might say 'One sin? Not that big a deal.' But then, if you sinned a lot - they would say "That's it! You're OUT!"

OUR God? Our God says one sin is important - but He forgives all of them! "

There is so much truth wrapped up in that one little statement....

DNA & homework

2008-10-21T16:38:00.003-04:00

Julia came home with a stack of uncompleted work today. As she sat in front of me working on it, she wasn't moving fast for all the stories she had to tell me as she progressed.

At one point I stopped her and pointed to the stack of work.

"I'm guessing that the reason you have so much undone work is that you are talking a lot at school. Are you talking a lot to your friends?"

"Only a little," she said.

"Well, I'm guessing we need to cut back to even a little less than that." I said.

"I got all my work done on the first day of school." She protested .

"Yes, but we we need to get all the work done every day," I said.

"Yeah, I didn't know anybody that day," She said.

Now, WHO's child is that?!?

Changing direction...

2008-09-25T16:59:00.008-04:00

Some of you remember this post from last year.….. Prostitution

Well…. here’s another chapter.

She walked in today.

I’ve actually seen her since that last post. She’d come in once before & seemed surprised that I’d remembered her name. I found that funny, in my own head.
“If you only knew…”, I thought.
But then again, how could she? She’s used to having the shallow conversations most of us have when we just want to get out of an awkward situation. And that day, I was no different. I struggled to bridge the gap between casual conversation and cutting to the heart of real life and real relationship.

But today, when she came in, it was different, and so was she.
Clear eyes. She’s gained weight - not drug-induced thin.
She had work clothes on.
She smiled.
She was calm. She still talked fast, but it wasn’t the nervous fast that people speak when their just rolling their story off to you and trying not to get caught in a lie. It wasn’t the fast speak that says “I’ve told this story so many times I’m bored with it myself and I’m not even sure you’re going to listen but I’ve got nothing better to do than try so here goes…” kind of fast.

She was working nearby, and wanted to take some ice over to the site, if we would let her. So as we walked down to fill a couple of bags, we talked.

Sober for 31 days.
“I know you’ve seen me,” she said. “I’m off the street now.”
Got a job.
In a house.
Involved with a church not far from here.
Excited.
Alive.

She explains the cycle – having tried to get off drugs… but then needing money.. and hustling to make some… recommitting to get off… around and around. She uses language that’s different from our church jargon, but in it she’s candid and more honest than she’s ever been with me.

I tell her I’m proud of her. I tell her about the night that Jason saw her, and that I went looking for her. She cries. And lets me hug her.

Her boyfriend comes in, and I see the same difference in him. And she relays what I’d just told her. He too is honest – even with admitting anger over a situation that had happened here and the violent revenge he’d envisioned. And yet, in the same breath, he relays what God did with that… and how “God is so funny about that stuff.” He tells with a genuine sense of pride about providing a few boxes of pizza for lunch to a business he’d stolen from for 2 years.
They both share their thankfulness for what we’ve done through the years.

I believe them.

I meet people every week that are begging for something and have “found Jesus”. (Hear the dramatic southern drawl that inherently is supposed to validate their salvation and ensure my response to their request that day...)
So there’s a part of me that doesn’t like being taken. Honestly, I hate being lied to. And I hear so many stories that in moments like this, my first response is always guarded, if not downright cynical.

But I realized today, that in her face, I saw the potential of recovery.

Complicated? Yes.
Long haul? Yes.
Set backs? Most likely.
More failures? Most certainly.

But, that’s what messy lives being transformed are like. It's what mine is like, anyway.
Two steps forward, three steps back. It’s still progress.

Most of us tire of walking that long road beside someone.
At times I feel other’s failure must somehow reflect my own. I’ve got to keep letting Christ refine that fear, as Satan is more than ready to hold my hand and walk me into complete in-effectiveness.

Thank God that He works all the time. Never tiring. Never cynical. Willing to use anybody… anywhere. Willing to take us at whatever sober moment we will give Him. Willing to walk the long road, and desiring to work in all of us that will let Him along the way.

As she walked out, we chatted some more. She told me I had permission to kick her butt if I saw her on the street again and I told her I’d take her up on it. (That's a funny picture - but I'm willing to try....)
I hugged her again. I told her that what was most beautiful to me about her today was her eyes. She looked down and then back at me.

“Thank you. I’m not perfect yet. But I know who is, and I’m trying to look more like Him.”

Today, she did.

Grandaddy Miller

2008-09-23T08:38:00.008-04:00

My Grandfather died this last week, and so we travelled to Nashville to lay him to rest. I think that's an appropriate term for this particular man - as he continued his life's work until he couldn't possibly continue it anymore. My granddad taught Hebrew and Psalms for 25+ years at Lipscomb University, & authored some biblical commentaries among other things. After after completing the studies towards his PhD at the Hebrew Union in Ohio, he was never awarded the doctorate he'd earned... ultimately because he wouldn't compromise his convictions about Christ in his thesis. As we went through his email, we noticed that his latest work was sent just about 3 weeks before he died - he was working on an online commentary on the book of Isaiah at the request of someone else, and had finished another chapter. Lots was said at the funeral about him- things I hadn't realized about him and some of his accomplishments. (When someone's your granddad - you don't always think to ask such things as he's important to you for other reasons.....) :-) My appreciation grew even more from meeting people who knew him differently than I did.

Eli really took in this reality more than he could before. As we walked into the same house we've been walking into all of his life, he noticed that it wasn't the same. Granddaddy's chair sat there, but others sat in it, and that seemed weird. His walker stood in the corner. His desk and library still looked as if he could come in any minute and sit down to study or write. His razor sat on the counter in the bathroom. We wouldn't want any of those things gone, but they didn't help us believe that he was.
The house was filled so as we left the first day to head to a relative's place, Eli was somber. I asked what he was thinking.
"It's just so sad. It's just not the same without him there. All I could think about was that it wasn't the same and it won't ever be the same."
We all got teary at the truthfulness of that statement.
Except Julia.
"Well," she said, " All I could think about was ALL THAT FOOD!!"
We burst out laughing, (because indeed, there was a LOT of food!). And Eli once again so simply embraced another profound truth.
"I didn't think I would smile at that," he said awkwardly with tears still in his eyes. "But I did." :-)

Death has it's sting. But Christ is victory, and my Grandad fully embraced Christ.

The night following his funeral, I overheard Eli praying. He said, "... God, most of the time people spend their whole life trying to make the world think that they are somebody important. But Granddaddy Miller spent his whole life trying to help the world see that You are important."

This was the absolute truth. He accomplished the goal of his life among his family and many others.
And now, his generations that follow are attempting to do the same.

A passage from his favorite Psalm of all...
"But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord's love is with those who fear Him, and His righteousness with their children's children- with those who keep His covenant and remember to obey His precepts....Psalm 103: 17-18

http://www.legacy.com/Tennessean/Obituaries.asp?Page=LifeStory&PersonID=117610159

More quotables from my kids...

2008-09-15T21:25:00.002-04:00

Julia sat with my mom during worship yesterday. As communion was passed down the aisle, she watched Nana take some and pass it on. Afterward she leaned into my mom and said, "I don't believe I've seen you baptized in this church, Nana." Apparently mom took the time to explain that she was baptized a long time ago, in another church. "Was my momma there?" Julia probed. I guess she thought eyewitness accounts might be acceptable.
If anyone needs the communion police.... we've got one. :-)

Eli and I were discussing the appropriate-ness of calling boys "beautiful" and girls handsome. I was explaining that handsome wasn't really a word you could use for girls without making them mad.
Eli: "Mom, can you tell more laws between boys and girls?"
Me: (laughing at his choice of wording) "Well, I'm not really sure I could. There's quite a few!"
Eli: "More than for the president?"
Why yes, I think that might actually be true......

2008-09-09T21:47:00.004-04:00

Julia overheard a conversation Jason and I were having about guardianship and wills. I didn't think she was paying close attention until she asked me:

"Momma, if you and Daddy ever die, should Eli and I just get our sleeping bags and go to the church building?"

I don't know if that speaks poorly of us or well of our church family....:-)

Betrayal

2008-08-20T00:37:00.003-04:00

My son experienced real betrayal for the first time.
I think the more painful part for me was that it was my choice to let him.- I could have protected him from the truth.
It broke my heart to watch him vacillate between confusion and rage... from self doubt to desiring vengeance. The questions he asked had answers, but not ones that really satisfy. I heard from him this guttural groan of anger from the depths of a place that can't be measured physically. I didn't know that his body held within it that groan, yet.
And, at one point, he told me he wished he didn't even know about it.

I wonder if this is what God experiences when we groan against our painful realities? The truth is, even if I hadn't told him, the betrayal would still have been real. And, the truth is, I knew that there was an even greater reality beyond his pain.
He's experiencing that reality now... working through the options that come with each emotion. And ultimately coming to the conclusion that yes, he can trust God.
I think 9 year olds feel the same as 30 year olds. They ask the same questions... fight the same fights within themselves. But I think they more quickly get to the end of themselves...they rely less on their own strategies and begin to trust God again a little quicker.
One more way I think he meant for us to be like them.

The Facts of LIfe

2008-07-27T23:14:00.004-04:00

I knew it was coming, but I kept thinking I had just a little bit more time.

Never doing anything exactly like you'd expect - Eli didn't ask where babies come from, but instead he asked about how children get their physical characteristics. So I take that opportunistic phrasing of the question to see if I can avoid the conversation I keep telling myself we need to have.

Me: "Well, the DNA of the mom and dad come together, and that's what determines what each child will look like."

Eli: "Yeah, but how does it come together?"

Me: "How does what come together?" (Like I don't know.) (Like if I say "What? dumbly enough, he'll forget and go back to playing with Legos.)

Eli: "The DNA."

Me: "You mean, how does the DNA come together?"
(Duh. Of course that's what he means. Has he ever seen you play this stupid before?!? Repeating the obvious?! Could I possibly make this more awkward? )

Eli: "Yeah."

Me: "Well, the man has what's called sperm, and the woman has what's called an egg, and those each carry the DNA."
(Jason walks through with the laundry at this point. I look desperately at him, but while he notices me, he just smiles, and keeps on towards the bedroom to fold clothes.)

Eli: "Yes, but HOW do they get together!?"
(He's now speaking in a voice that tells me he's on to my stalling technique.)

I get up and move from where I'm sitting to sit beside him. "Are you asking me where babies come from?"

Eli: "Yes."

I look around to make sure Julia's not in earshot and then look back at him.
He leans in, knowing this is serious, and whispers, "Is it the kiss?".
It's with the exact same voice that he used when he told me he figured it out - it was just the reindeer part of Santa Clause that wasn't true....

I smile, contemplate saying yes, and then realize that will only create trouble.
Me: "No. It's something that comes after the kiss."

I look him squarely in the eye, preparing to tell him what I have not figured out how to tell him yet. What he seems too young to know, yet what I know the world will irresponsibly and self-centeredly share in ungodly fashion regardless with no regard to his age, or to his God.

Eli leans in, his eyes wide. "Is it bad?"

Me:(jumping to a response as I realize my pausing and contemplating could have the same effect as the rest of the world telling him...) "Oh no, no! It's a gift! It's just that, when I tell you this, I want you to realize that it's something serious. It's important to God, and so it won't be something we joke about or talk about with others. Many parents haven't talked to their kids about what you and I are about to talk about, and they need to have this conversation with their parents, not you or other kids, okay?

Eli: "Well, if other parents haven't told their kids, then why don't we just wait till I'm nine?." Then he laughs, awkwardly, looking at me realizing he just turned nine. "I mean, 10.," he says.

Me: "You want to wait till you're 10? Great. Done! When you're 10, we'll talk about it. Great idea."

We both smile, a bit relieved. I can't believe I'm such a lame parent. But, I've got another year, or so I think. I'll do better the second time, surely.

The next day, Jason is tucking Eli into bed. "I heard what you and Momma began to talk about yesterday. Did you understand all that Momma said?"

Eli emphatically replies: "Not a WORD of it!"

Jason then does a masterfully simple job of sharing God's design for life and marriage. And correcting some 2nd grade misinformation.

Follow up

2008-07-09T17:53:00.002-04:00

Okay - It's VBS week - and I haven't had time to post, but YES, I have time to floss. As for a follow up on the Dentist appointment, let's just say it wasn't just my dentist watching the blog... when I arrived at my appointment, Susan, (the self-proclaimed "Floss Nazi") responsibly did her job, - I left well educated, well motivated, and flossing regularly. :-)

And thanks to Cindy, who sent me (from her family vacation in WI) a package of fruit flavored flossers, and smiley toothbrush and toothpaste, as well as a step by step instruction sheet (with pictures) and a chart to follow my progress. This is why my friend is a special ed teacher. And she's good - I'm using them!

Everyone should be so lucky to have good friends who truly care about the longevity of their teeth!

2008-06-21T00:19:00.002-04:00

I'm flossing. I'M FLOSSING!!!

(Can I make up for 6 months in 3 days?)

2008-06-19T12:21:00.003-04:00

"Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have." 1 Peter 1:15

This verse kept coming to mind this morning. (As I brushed my teeth diligently!)

I tend to guess that most people think that what will speak to others around them about their faith in Christ is their morality. And while I think the way we choose to live certainly does speak to what we value most, God tells us here that it's our hope that will cause people to look at us and wonder what's different about us. It's our hope that will open an otherwise closed door to talk about Christ.

So I have to ask myself, "How is my hope speaking to the world around me?

Do I look so different because of my hope that people ask a question about it?

Or do I blend in with the rest of the world with it's complaining, hopelessness and cynicism and because of it actually camouflage the effect Jesus has had on my reality?

I'm glad His Spirit brought it to mind. He disciplines those He loves...

Look! A post!

2008-06-18T23:13:00.004-04:00

I've been drinking so much sweet tea, I can't eat food of any temperature or even breathe without pain in my teeth. Do you think that's a problem?
Worse- I have a dentist appointment Monday.
Even worse - my dentist is my friend. And I haven't flossed except twice since the last time his hygenist told me floss daily. (I know everyone says to, but she MEANS it.)
On top of that, I can't lie about what I've been doing.
AND, my kids will be in the room when I have to admit it.
Not gonna be good...

In other heartwarming news...
My kids got in trouble tonight. In adult terms... Julia started it, Eli kept it going, so they both got in trouble. What was fascinating was that after a series of apologies and make ups, Eli sweetly invited Julia to sleep with him, and even got an Elmo CD for her to listen too. As they crawled into bed together, I told him I was proud of him. He said "Why? She's my sister!"

Then he turned to her and said:
"Julia, I'm your brother. I will always be here for you and will protect you. And when I get a little grumpy, just remember tonight and give mercy to me."

I told him I'd always wanted to hear something like that growing up, and that I thought that was pretty cool.

Birthdays....

2008-04-24T18:59:00.003-04:00

I was sitting outside on our swing, enjoying the air and sun and reflecting on the day. Julia came out and asked if she could join me.
"Sure!" , I said, "but I really don't want to talk right now. I just want to enjoy the moment quietly, if that's okay."
"Yeah," she said, "I just want to be quiet too."....." So how was your day?"
I laughed out loud and rolled my eyes at her. She began to laugh and said " Just kidding!!"
Ever her daddy's girl. And witty, already.

It's my birthday, today. It was a normal, plain day. But I think it was absolutely one of the best birthdays I've ever had in my life.

I was allowed to sleep in.
My husband made and brought me French toast in bed.
When I got out of bed, I got a call from a dear friend and her children singing 'Happy Birthday' to me on the way to school.
I got an email card from a friend first thing this morning that cracked me up.
I went to work and got a card from my co-workers who said just some genuinely nice things.
I got a call at work from another dear family of precious friends singing 'Happy Birthday' to me.
I found a gift from a friend under my desk at my feet.
I got an email from my mom that meant the world to me. And a call. And a visit tonight.
I got a call from my kids singing "Happy Birthday" to me.
I went home and found some wonderful, meaningful cards from my father-in-law, my aunt & uncle, my friend, and my birth mother.
I found a wallet from Africa that my son spent his last dollar on for me. ( With an apparent price reduction from the precious couple selling them,) and even more meaningful since he was saying just yesterday he didn't have much money.)
I found a collection of hearts, signed by my all kids' classmates and teachers. And 2 notes from Eli, one painfully written in cursive, which he hates, but knew I would be proud of.
I found a beautiful bouquet of flowers on the porch, from my birth sister, who I've never even gotten to meet yet.
My son just came in the back door and as he ran past me, slapped my shoulder and called out over his, "I love you, Mom".
And the day's not even over.

I write this for no one in particular. This is just the place I spill out my heart, and it's overflowing right now with feelings of being the richest person in the world. I can remember a short-sighted time when I thought that the best birthdays included the most memorable gifts. I never imagined that one day the simplest moves would completely overshadow such gifts and so completely fill my heart.

Thanks. :-) If my life is marked & measured by the quality of people I'm surrounded by, it's indeed worth celebrating well.

You know it's allergy season when.....

2008-04-14T22:30:00.003-04:00

We pull up to Walgreen's tonight to fill a prescription - and since we hadn't been there before, we got a water bottle filled with some little goodies as a new customer "appreciation gift". As we drive off, we start pulling the items out of the water bottle to check them out. A little bottle of hand sanitizer.... crayons ... a pill box... chap stick.... and when we pull out the small package of tissues, Eli begins to excitedly wave his arms and yell "Oh Yeah! It's my birthday... Oh yeah! It's my birthday!"

And it was genuine enthusiasm. :-) I think I should be embarrassed.

Resurrection

2008-03-23T22:42:00.006-04:00

This morning I awoke to memories of our first daughter's death, almost 12 years ago. They aren't predictable, but they're consistent.... it's always on a morning when sunlight streams in at just a certain angle, just as it did one morning following her death.
I remember the moment vividly. Days were dull and numb. It seemed a bit stupid to do the normal things people do, but you didn't know what else to do, because it equally felt bad not to do anything. So you went through whatever routine the day required, as if to appear normal to others, and just didn't assign meaning, or emotion, or enthusiasm to the actions you took. By night time, you were ready for bed, because it meant an end to the day, but falling asleep was not easy, because it seemed the one time when your mind didn't have to be subject to routine, so as if against my own will, it would journey through the emotions I had successfully avoided during the day.

Eventually exhaustion gave way to sleep, and it was usually a heavy sleep when it came. So heavy, that when the morning sun shone in, for just a brief second or two, it felt like a fresh start. For just that brief moment, I didn't remember. My mind associated previous happy memories with the sun streaming in, and for that precious moment, my spirit was free from the burden that surrounded us. Of course, it was just a second or two, before I did remember. And upon remembering, the darkness associated with loss seemed to bring a dark fog quickly over me that blurred even that bright sunlight. I remember telling Jason, as he lay beside me, about the brief second of freedom, and wondered out loud if we would ever have mornings that were good again, that we didn't remember, ... that felt fresh....

When I remembered this morning, I thought it timely that to realize it was Easter.

Jessica's funeral had presented some challenges. Her funeral fell on Labor day. Maybe it was a problem, her funeral being on a holiday and all, I don't know. But the funeral home was late that morning. We had a long line of guests being held outside closed chapel doors, past when the funeral was to begin. Calls to the funeral home. Waiting. The crowd grows. More calls. Finally the director shows up. He rushed hurriedly in the back door with a briefcase in one hand and Jessica's little casket tucked under his other arm, like he was late for a business meeting. That was another time where I'm sure what actually took seconds seemed like extended moments, but I know the shock of his actions hit everyone in the room instantly as my dad, and I believe Jason's dad, walked briskly back and met him halfway down the aisle to take her body from him. They carried it gently, respectfully, and quietly to the stand in the front. We had requested that the casket be left open, so we could put some personal items in with her body, but we found they had sealed the casket already that morning. So we tucked our letters and items away, and opened the doors. The service was beautiful, friends and family ministered greatly to us.
There is something still stomach turning about that morning to me. Not the funeral, but the fact that the care of her body had been given over to people who really didn't care. Because this is such a custom we're used to here, I never made the connection until this morning.
As I read the account of Jesus' death, and burial, and resurrection, I understood what Mary felt when she couldn't find his body to prepare it. (John 20:15) When she asked the 'gardener', "Sir, if you have carried him away, just tell me where you have put him, and I will get him."
There is something about knowing a body may not hold the spirit anymore, but because of what the spirit of the person meant to you, you want to honor that shell, even in death. Maybe it doesn't look appropriate for a woman to carry a dead body back from some place it was mistakingly put, but you don't care. It was yours. It housed the soul of one you loved. Cold, discolored, empty, or not, it is the vessel, or bridge, between the here and now and the eternal.

"Mary."

How I love that voice. It is the voice of the One who proved in that moment He can and will One Day unseal the casket of my daughter. It is the voice of the One who makes light chase away darkness, and not the other way around. The Voice of One who brings fresh mornings, of not remembering. Who promises to bring an end to preparing the bodies of the dead.

It is because of the truth of His resurrection that I give my life to serving the God who has the power to do such a thing. All else that would demand my time, or my attention, or my affection, pales in comparison to such a One.
There is no blind faith here, in fact, for a time Jessica's loss had me convinced that a God who would allow such things to happen wasn't worthy of my time, if he even existed. Thankfully, God doesn't give up when He has been misjudged. In fact, it was while we were yet enemies, that Christ died for us. (Rom. 5:8)

Eli asked me this morning : "If God is God, and He could do anything, why didn't He just forgive us. Why did He have to let this happen to Jesus? "
I told him that God had to be just, and truthful about the evil things we, as His creation, have done. He couldn't just pretend we hadn't done it. Righteousness doesn't lie, and pretending doesn't make a thing go away or not real. Even Eli understood that. The only thing that has the power to outweigh the things we have done was the absolute perfection and unadulterated innocence of His obedient Son. To sacrifice, on our behalf, such an undeserving One does surely cover even the multitude of tens of millions of sins we've committed. And to raise Him, and give us the promise of His righteousness, proves His grace on top of His justice and righteousness.

Easter morning brings much reason to celebrate among those who have heard, and believed, and decided to follow Jesus Christ.

Now, when the sun shines in on mornings like these, I remember that there are good mornings. And this, was one of the best in History.

Thank you, friend.

2008-03-18T14:00:00.009-04:00

One thing I value most in close friendships is someone who loves God and His truth way more than they love me. Someone who will talk about tough things - and who isn't easily swayed by their emotion, (or mine), but who will speak His truth to me, with love that I'm confident in. Sometimes that's tough to find (and tough to be.)

But I love the challenge of someone loving Him and coming away with things to share because they spend time with Him.

Let me tell you about my friend Lindsay.

She's 17 years younger than me.

That might not be significant in the grand scheme of things, but when I'm looking for the things I mentioned above, just honestly, I don't go looking for it in people that are much younger than me.

But, through her, God has certainly shown me the foolishness of my ways.

I might be revealing my shallowness here, (and maybe the confession is where God is leading, ) but I tend to refer to kids her age as "the teens," or " a student" or "one of the girls/guys" -but in this case, God has left me feeling uncomfortably comfortable only calling her my friend. I'm supposed to be a mentor. Sometimes I'll enter into a conversation praying about what to bring to the table for her benefit, only to leave having heard from God instead for myself through her. It just messes with my paradigm of "how things are supposed to go." (Probably a great faulty paradigm FOR God to mess with in me.)

Recently, Jason & I have been praying about homeschooling, but feel the struggle with getting finances in order as well. We desire to honor God with both, and know that one doesn't have to sacrifice the other, but it's not an easy decision. And in general, I just like to know what to do, and move on it, one way or the other. At the same time, Lindsay's family has taken in a second foster child, whose time with them is limited, but they don't yet know how limited it will be. They don't take in a child without giving their hearts to the task, and child, completely. Lindsay is no exception. It would obviously be easier if they had even a clue for how to prepare their hearts for her time among them, but that's not a luxury they have at the moment.

So we shared thoughts, struggles, and emails back and forth this weekend. From that, Lindsay challenged us both with this poem, and it brings such glory to our God, that I wanted to share it.

Don’t Ask Me to Wait

Her family was facing
An important decision
The Lord God had given them
More than one vision
But which one to follow
They could not choose
They wanted to chase one
But neither to lose
Knowing He knew
They pleaded with Him
Praying He would reveal
His perfect plan for them
His seeming silence
Nearly tore her apart
In desperation she lifted
A prayer from her heart:

Tell me yes
Tell me no
I trust in Your plan, Lord
Just tell me how it will go
Tell me “Do it tomorrow”
Tell me “Do it next year”
Only speak to me, Lord
I need Your voice in my ear
I’m ready and willing
I’ll do what You say
I’m longing to follow
Just show me the way
I’m trusting in You
To make my paths straight
I have just one plea, Lord:
Don’t ask me to wait

She cared for this child
But for how long
She had no way to know
Still she tried to be strong
She loved her more
As day followed day
And prayed that for now
The child would stay
She knew it was coming
Though she knew not when
She begged Him to tell her
So she’d be ready then
His seeming silence
Nearly tore her apart
In desperation she lifted
A prayer from her heart:

Tell me yes
Tell me no
I trust in Your plan, Lord
Just tell me how it will go
Tell me “She’s going tomorrow”
Tell me “She’s going next year”
Only speak to me, Lord
I need Your voice in my ear
I’m ready and willing
I’ll accept what You say
I’m longing to follow
Just show me the way
I’m trusting in You
To make my paths straight
I have just one plea, Lord:
Don’t ask me to wait

The Lord smiled down
Knowing what they must learn
That answers don’t always
Come at every turn
In His great love
He reached down His hand
And gave their hearts peace
Though they did not understand
He was teaching them patience
Trust when they’re blind
In His perfect time
Is when they would find
He promised not to leave them
Alone in the dark
And whispered gently His answer
Into their hearts:

I won’t tell you “Yes”
I won’t tell you “No”
Just trust in my plan, Child
I know how it will go
Whether tomorrow
Or whether next year
I will speak to you, Child
When I want you to hear
I know you are willing
To do what I say
I know you will follow
When I show you the way
Keep trusting in me
I will make your paths straight
Here is my answer, Child:
I ask you to wait

Just in case anyone else out there struggles with waiting like us.......:-)

It's okay if there's only 20 lbs below your neck.

2008-03-16T18:29:00.003-04:00

It looked so easy. There I am, helping Julia learn the simple childhood basics of a head stand.
"Okay, flip up your legs,.." "Yep, yep, now point your toes to the ceiling,...Good!! It's okay... I've got you! GOOD JOB! That's it girl! Good job!"

The only problem was coming down. She kept pulling her hair and hurting her head. I tried to explain how to bend her knees to come down slowly, but in the end, I just thought it would be easier to show her.

So now I sit at this keyboard, unable to turn my head to the left or the right, and cringing if I so much as sneeze.
The saddest part? Julia kept saying "It's okay mommy! I'll catch your legs!" -But I never even got my legs up in the air, let alone, down again.

It seemed easy in my head.

AIMAPALOOZA AGAIN!

2008-02-26T11:14:00.006-05:00

Hey all! It's Workshop time again, and for all former AIMers, it's AIM-A-PALOOZA time again! If your going to be in Tulsa - please join us! And let us know you're coming at the Aim-a-palooza website: www.aimapalooza.blogspot.com

Please pass the message along to all you know that might be interested!

In case you need to feel smarter than someone today, let me be that person.

2008-02-13T09:12:00.002-05:00

Words of personal wisdom from today....

A salt scrub after shaving your legs is NOT the same as a sugar scrub after shaving your legs....

Add that to my "don't test a curling iron's heat with your tongue just because your hands are full" list.

Yeah. Really.

Kid funnies

2008-01-31T22:21:00.001-05:00

Eli's been really been praying a lot lately about a good friend at school who doesn't believe in God. One discussion led to Eli telling Jason:
"You know, some people say apes built the world."
Jason: "Yeah, but you know that's not true, right? We go see apes all the time at the zoo - and they don't build anything like that.
Eli: "Yeah. Apes are interesting. And we can read about them....
But they can't read about us!"

Somehow I thought that was the simplest refutation of evolution I'd ever heard.

Julia prayed tonight: "God, thank you for making my mom good at aiming for the trash. Please help me be as good as her one day. "

Tagged again-

2008-01-25T23:28:00.000-05:00

Thank you VANESSA!

The Rules: Link to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog.
Share 5 random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog, OR
Share the 5 top places on your “want to see or want to see again” list, OR
Share 5 things you never pictured being in your future when you were 25 years old.

Tag a minimum of 5, maximum of 10 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog. The tagees have a choice of which they want to do.

I've shared random facts about myself before, but I like the "5 things you never pictured being in your future when you were 25" idea - and since that was only 7 years ago, I can mostly remember.....:-)

1. I never EVER dreamed of living in Oklahoma. It's still a little weird when I say it out loud. "Ok-la-hom-a." See what I mean? Even now I think I should have a pilgrim dress on when I say it.

2. I never thought I would raise my hands in worship. (Don't tell my grandparents.) :-)

3. I never thought I would have gone away on a weekend trip with girlfriends -and genuinely had the time of my life. I grew up generally enjoying friendships with guys more, just because they were less complicated. But I've got some friendships formed with ladies I adore -and who love God deeply, and I'm loving that change.

4. I never thought my kids and husband would bring me THIS much joy. I mean, you always hope, but then one day you look around at reality and realize just how good you have it, and know you were too stupid to have arranged it yourself, so you just thank God for His blessing - and try to honor them as such.

5. I never thought I'd write a blog. In fact, if you had suggested the possibility, the name alone would have made me think it was immature or goofy. :-)

I tag Lindsay, Wendy!!, Terry, Jill, and Cindy!

Bye bye Mario. Hello Little House on the Prairie.

2008-01-25T23:04:00.000-05:00

A few nights ago, we packed up all the game systems in our house. Including the DS Eli just got for Christmas. It was a long time coming, really. But games have been Eli's FAVORITE thing to do. It's how we kept him drinking water when he was on the verge of being admitted to the hospital once. ("Drink 3 sips and you can play for 5 more minutes..." ) It's how we potty-trained him. (Yeah, he's gonna love that I shared this when he can read.) So you can understand, that when he loves something that much, I felt guilty taking it away. But limiting time, and limiting games, and trying different tactics wasn't enough. His mind just gravitates to it. And if he gravitates to it, he'll obsess over it. His game skills are far more honed than his people skills, and that's not what we're about.

Some incidents occurred that led to taking the games away, so he didn't complain at the time. The amazing thing? He hasn't complained since. We're only two days and counting -but I'm amazed. And relieved. And I think he is too.

We had been planning an indoor camp out night this weekend. This morning, Eli decided he wanted to ask his 2nd grade teacher to borrow her DVD Season 1 of Little House on the Prairie. (She's awesome - and has been reading it to them at school - which I LOVE her for!) She said yes - and so he came home saying "It will only take us 16 hours to watch the whole thing!" Well, we're not doing that, but the campout theme turned into a "Little House" theme. I had to run to get groceries, and when I came back - they'd built a little house in the living room - complete with loft and ladder. We had eggs and toast and sausage on tin plates, and ate by candlelight, and "Jack" (a wooden toy dog that was Jason's when he was little) guarded the house.

And Julia and Eli informed us that for the rest of the night, we were to be referred to as "Ma and Pa".

I could totally get used to this. :-)

All the bones we’ve thrown out…..

2008-01-20T18:30:00.000-05:00

I can’t remember who first said it, or how often it was repeated, but I remember growing up with a conscientious conflict about reading anything that by an author with my religious background. And I remember having the feeling that if I did attempt such an unwise action, I should do so with suspicion and at the minimum be prepared to “eat the fish, but throw away the bones”.

I don’t carry the same conflict I grew up with, and I’ll admit, nowadays I may read authors within my faith with as much discernment as I do any author. God seemed to make it clear that His words were the standard by which we compare anything “new” that comes our way, and it’s infallibility over the centuries has been impressively consistent.

Recently, I picked up a book called “girl meets God”, by Lauren F. Winner.

If any book is completely out of my realm of experience or background, this one’s it. A memoir on her personal journey from Orthodox Judaism to Christianity, the brand of Christianity she enters into is almost as foreign to me as the Judaism is. I find myself reading chapters on liturgy, lent, the Eucharist, Sabbath, and Sukkot. (Words about which I had already made up my mind, while ironically knowing little about.) But what I love is that she gives flesh and bones, and a real humanity to some of the traditions I grew up being suspicious of -and meaning to some of my own convictions & traditions that I didn’t know existed.

I may not subscribe to every conclusion she has – but I’m learning the value of not throwing out her conviction as “bones” for she has, in fact, enlightened some parts of my own beliefs that for a lack of understanding had formed more skeleton-like in me than I myself had ever realized. She opens her mind & heart, good and bad, flattering and unflattering, to the reader, about her journey – and I find myself highlighting and cheering at the end of each chapter. I have about 93 pages to go – and anticipate it like meeting a refreshing, genuine and honest friend who is both like me, and challenges me, while being entirely different.

I’ve included a sample below – and encourage you, if your needing an amazingly simple yet profound and encouraging read… this ones worth it.

“Holy Communion is another name, and there are good reasons to speak of taking communion. Those words remind us that we are not only drawing near to God, but that we are doing that most basic and social thing, we are eating together, we are drawing near to one another. This has been a long, slow lesson for me. I am just starting to learn that the people I take Communion with are the people who count.
I didn’t like most of the people at Clare College chapel. I loved my priest. And I loved Becky, my godmother; Anna; the ordinand sent over by her seminary to be our priest in training; and Helen and Olivia, two short haired eighteen-year-olds with lively minds and brassy giggles. . Other than those few, the people at chapel weren’t people I would have chosen to socialize with. They weren’t up to my standards. I didn’t think them clever enough, entertaining enough, whole enough. Mostly, at the Clare Chapel, I met broken people, needy people, people who were in church for a reason.
In fact, some people of the chapel repelled me. They were pale and pasty and watery drips of people, inarticulate and shy and nerdy and downright tedious. I had nothing to talk about with any of them, though Lord knows I tried, not even theology, a concept that seemed foreign to these students, students for whom everything about Jesus was perfectly clear-cut. “These are not,” I sniffed to Jo, “people I would ever invite to a dinner party.”
Jo, in her wisdom, didn’t point out the obvious fact that I was, indeed, having a dinner party with them every Sunday morning. She pretended to sympathize. She pretended to be every bit the snob that I was. She said whole days elapsed where she had to speak, hour after pastoral hour, to people she did not like very much or find terrible interesting. “There aren’t too many people around here like you,” she admitted conspiratorially, as though it were just us two charming and sophisticated Christians pitted against the rest of the sorry, benighted church. Then she sighed and said, “But I realized awhile back that if I built a church filled with my friends, it would be a rather small and homogenous church.” I blinked. “Dull, really,” said Jo.
So much for sympathy.
The day before I left Cambridge for good, I saw Paul and Gillian, two of the most annoying of the annoying Christians, on Clare bridge, and I hugged them. I said I would miss them. I thought I was lying, to be polite. But I wasn’t. I have missed them. I do. No one else I ever meet will have pledged to support me in my life of Christ, which is exactly what Paul and Gillian pledged at my baptism. My friends at Columbia, the friends I meet for drinks at trendy bards in the Village, the friends with whom I chat about post-structuralism and Derrida- those people didn’t witness my baptism. They didn’t cheer at my confirmation , they didn’t pray with me every Sunday for two years, they didn’t hand me Kleenex when I burst into inexplicable tears in the middle of the Lord’s Prayer. They aren’t my brothers and sisters in Christ. They are merely my friends.

For my best friend, Wendy.

2008-01-19T00:11:00.000-05:00

Dear Wendy,
Thank you for your comment-pliment. (Haha!Some how that word seems like it should have come from your dad.) I've been feeling guilty about not blogging for about 3 weeks, (not consecutively, but all together) - so your encouragement (or discouragement?) inspires the approval addict in me, hence my post, just for you.

I am wondering, however, what it would take to do the same for you and get you to START a blog?

Well, from the last writing until now, we have been busy with having non-stop visits or traveling out of town ourselves, and catching up or regular life in between. I have some AWESOME books to blog about. I also have some funny stories to tell - but since I'm trying to think of one right now, I can't... :-)

So many of my funny stories are not really mine - but Eli's. 2nd grade continues to be a growing experience. Last week we had been talking about respecting authority at home, and so I challenged him to find unique ways to show respect to the people at school who were in authority over him, and to come home and tell me what he did. I encouraged him, then, each day afterwards to do not only the things he did the day before, but to add a new attempt each day to build on the others and I would be thinking of a reward for him. In my attempts to be very concrete and specific, I said I wanted his actions to be something that was obvious enough to those around him that they would notice a difference, even if I called his teacher to check on his behavior. He seemed to respond to this challenge, and reported something simple each day. I was excited!
It was ironic then, when a few days later, word made it back to us that he was driving his teacher nuts. When I finally checked on it, I found that my instructions had translated to him having a tally sheet on his desk to mark every time he said "yes ma'am" to his teacher, and that he'd told her that he needed to say this "two-hundred times" so his mom would give him a prize. And apparently, he made sure to check with her every time he said it, (just in case I called and asked.)

My next book will be called "Social Skills Suicide: How to set your child up for failure every time....".

Of Mice and Men

2007-11-13T21:34:00.001-05:00

So a couple of weeks ago we had a mouse problem. Now, we usually get one or two when the weather gets cold every Fall - but they're usually caught quickly and it's over with.

Not so this year.

We had two mice, who were particularly comfortable living with us. They learned to 'glide' right over our glueboards. They avoided being seen for a few days - but eventually got a bit arrogant - even daring to saunter out right in front of us in the open - knowing we were too slow to catch them. Evidence was obvious that they had visited every room in our house.

Now for all the previous cute little furry mice who had innocently & mistakenly made their way into our home, we'd felt a slight big of disgust, and a slight bit of pity.
These two made us all mad. When mice begin to taunt humans ... it brings out a different side to us. Even the kids, who are usually unaware of our mice trappings - began to be more aware. (Especially because each one had taken their own turn at getting stuck on the annoying glue boards that seems to be placed more abundantly around the house. )

We eventually won and caught them both. No one felt pity. In fact - we all four celebrated when the last "snap" was heard. (Glue boards were old hat by that point.)

I hadn't realized how much this recent ordeal affected our kid's feelings about mice until Eli's teacher sent me this note about an assignment he had been given today:

Heather,

Eli wrote a story today while I was in a meeting. :-) It made me laugh! :-)

He was told a mouse is living in your desk at school at night. Please write the mouse a letter. Maybe I should of let him paint today. :-)

Mouse,

We are sorry. We hate cheese so we don't have any. A friend hates mice, so he put mouse traps in my desk and all around. Inside our cat eats mice. Our house smells bad. The desk is poison. The desk is made to kill mice. The desk is messy. I hate mice. I kill mice. Get out now or else!

Now, I don't think he's scarred for life, but....

PICS from Mountainview with AIM

2007-10-23T23:21:00.000-04:00

Mom and Jules Dad and Eli

Dad and the kids
Jason, Steve, Kris, Julia and Eli (and an AMAZING view.)
Peace from Eli

Casualties by choice...

2007-10-23T20:50:00.000-04:00

I'm blogging a little less, so please pardon my fewer posts - I've decided to not be "all or nothing" (wink wink) but in doing so I admit that inconsistency is something I'm consistent with, which for some reason in blog world, I feel extra guilty about!

Recently, Jason and I got to travel to the mountains of New Mexico. While there, Jason got to speak to the present AIM (Adventures in Missions) class - it was just such an amazing weekend. The lessons was transforming for me personally, as we worked through it, and just being around these kids as they let God invade their hearts on amazing and uncomfortable levels was inspiring. It's not easy, (I can say that since I have been there) - but it is worth every difficult moment - I'd never trade it for anything.

There were many highlights of the weekend, but the one that was most powerful came in between one of the classes, while the students had a simple assignment to just clear their minds and not think about anything for 10 minutes, then pray for 10 minutes, and then read a short passage they had been assigned from Matthew.

I climbed into the back of our Tahoe with the door open overlooking the field where many students scattered to find a quite place for themselves. The wind was blowing - quite a bit. Some sat curled by trees, others lay flat on their backs while still others lay face down on the ground.

It was eerily quiet, with just the sound of the wind despite the many people around. It hit me, (and that scene and moment are now frozen in my mind)...... this was reminiscent of civil war scenes I had seen on the history channel... of bodies strewn across a field. Except these bodies, in fact, were not the casualties of war, but the willing, self-sacrificial, and in a sense, suicidal, victors. Studying passages like "turn the other cheek", and "when asked to walk one mile, choose to walk two...",.... these kids laid themselves across a field to let God accomplish in them what their own strength and force of will can not.

Somewhere I read that in the end... they win.
Man's greatest victories have yet to compare to the eternal victory found in laying down your own life only to take up His. And what an unending victory we continue to discover that to be....

Tough as nails...

2007-10-03T12:27:00.000-04:00

Have you ever tried to hang something up?

I'm notorious for taking shortcuts when it comes to hanging decorations, pictures, etc. I like the finished look of a decorated house, but I don't like to take a lot of time to make it happen right. So I use whatever nails, screws or thing-a-ma-bobs I have on hand to get the job done, rather than go shop for whatever I need that would hold best. I'm not an idiot - most of the time it works - but I admit that every now and then, I pick a screw that's too long or too skinny or a nail that is too short, and sure enough, the whole thing pulls out of the wall. It leaves a big hole (that I can't patch with toothpaste), and I now have to move whatever I was hanging down or up or over an inch to cover up the mess.

So Jason and I have been wrestling with understanding some concepts this week. (And it does relate, I promise.)

One of them, a lawyer, asked Him a question, testing Him,
“Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?”
And He said to him, “ ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment.And the second is like it, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." Matthew 22:37-40

All of the law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.

These two concepts - Loving God with all your heart, soul and mind, and loving your neighbor as yourself, are the nail in the wall. Anything else we attempt to do for Him has to hang on that nail. You can make your own analogies as to whether or not your love is strong enough or adequate to hold. We could spend a lot of time there. But my wrestling today just centers on love being the crux of it all.

Everything else we would do, in the name of faith and belief and devotion to him, must be hung on love. Love for Him and love for others. I didn't say it. He did.

You wouldn't think that would trip us up, would you? For some of you, it doesn't. I've met you - and you get it. And I love what I learn from you as you shape me and bring me closer to Christ. But for some of us, it's a longer journey. This "love" He references is almost so simple, we could blow by the critical depth of getting what He's saying. In fact that only thing that may catch our eye is that He says it's most important, so we know we're supposed to pay attention. I know at times I've read this and thought "Yeah yeah, love. But what after that? What's the next thing we're supposed to do?"

But if I don't internalize that He has a purpose in me understanding that this "love" is most important... I will decorate my house and my church and my faith with tons of nice looking things that I think will please Him but that will eventually pull out of the wall and leave everyone standing in a pile of rubble.

It's sad, but if we're honest, there is much we can do in the name of faith that can be done from beginning to end without "hanging" on this love that Jesus mentions. ....I can come to church. ... I can serve..... I can defend a doctrine or belief.... I can write a check........I can study... I can pray....

We can eventually do all of those things without genuine love for Him and others.

Maybe they started from love, but just slipped into habit. Routine. "Something we do because it's "Right". But the "Right" nail will eventually pull out of the wall, along with all the other acts we hung on it. ......and we wonder why our faith crumbled with it.

All because we underestimated the importance of what "most important" meant when we pursued what we thought God wanted of us. Love seemed to be something we just took for granted would always be there. Something we thought was present in us and that we didn't have to think twice about.

But if He said it was most important ... it's worth thinking twice about. It's worth thinking daily about. In fact, by declaring the utmost importance of love... he not only didn't assume it's presence, but went out of His way to educate us and heighten our awareness to it.

Obviously, we wouldn't ever just pick up a picture and throw it on the wall, without first checking to see what we'd use to secure it there. Maybe that's what Jesus was saying about every single act we do each day. Check your love... make sure whatever your about to "hang up" is going to stick.

I got tagged again!

2007-09-30T21:46:00.000-04:00

Well, Toni tagged me! (Thank you friend! I love those! I don't know why, except that it makes me feel like I'm not the last kid picked for the team!)

Here are the rules. 1)Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves. (2) People who are tagged need to write a post on their own blog (about their eight things) and post these rules. (3) At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. (4) Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

1. I got to sit on the front row at the Stephen Curtis Chapman concert this last week! I was so nervous about being on the front row - but it was awesome!

2. I've eaten ants too. (For those of you who were at Memorial tonight.) Lemon ants, (which we got to eat while in the Amazon in Ecuador) really are not that bad.

3. I've also ridden in a boat on a lake with piranah. (Jason actually swam in the lake.) I can't swim in general, so putting a non-ability to swim with piranah didn't seem a wise risk to take to me.

4. I imagined & shared for most of my life that I had briefly lived in Germany, despite being corrected by mom and eventually even my husband that we had only visited for about 2 weeks when I was 2 or 3.

5. I often can't remember my own age, let alone anyone elses. I can't remember dates well.

6. I love dogs. I grew up with two and since I didn't have siblings, I felt a special connection with them. Maybe in my own heart I'm the "dog whisperer."

7. I also used to visit this little monkey in the zoo in Ecuador almost weekly. I loved to take a little compact I had to him, let him hold it and look at himself in the mirror while trying to find the rest of his body behind the mirror with the other hand. A guard once let my mom and I in a cage to play with lion cubs. This tiny zoo was a real escape for me in such a huge and busy city.

8. I love fried rice. :-)

I tag: Cindy, Terry, Danna and Flee. :-)

"Everything" By Life House

2007-09-17T22:17:00.000-04:00

My brother-in-law sent this to us. If you haven't seen it... take a minute to. It's powerful.

You can't tell me what to do....

2007-09-15T23:33:00.000-04:00

My first random question of today:

Is it ethical to let your daughter change her stuffed kitty's name from "Whiskers" to "Nancy" for show and tell on "N" day if you are in a hurry? Eli told me it wasn't.

And what is it about us that doesn't like rules anyway?

Friday I had to have an ultrasound ... the only thing I had to do was not eat or drink anything after midnight. My appt. was at 9 am. Easy enough, I thought. Right. When told I could not eat or drink... suddenly it was all I thought about. I obsessed over it!
The irony? I was having the ultrasound because I haven't had much of an appetite for about a month!

And it's not just me! Tonight, at bedtime, Eli asks me to help him decide between two books.
"Should we read "The Runny Babbit" or "Where the Sidewalk Ends?" he asked.
"Oh honey, I don't care. You pick." I say.
"No - You pick. It's your choice mom, " he insists.
"Okay. How about 'The Runny Babbit'."
"No. I really want 'Where the Sidewalk Ends' this time." he says
"Well then why did you ask me?" I ask.
"Because I wanted you to help me make my decision."

Its funny - and I laugh, but I get it, too. If Jason asks me where I want to go eat... and I'll say I don't know. It's become an ongoing joke between us that if he makes a horrible suggestion... I'll react as if I knew all along where I wanted to go and we get there a lot more quickly.

So what is that about us that doesn't like being told what to do?

Jason shared a great message (I'm not being biased - honest) on Sunday about how biblically, peace is always associated with authority. But it's caused me to reflect more this week on our nature: though it seems most of us are pretty desperate for peace... we resist the sovereignty that brings it to us. Even knowing God has our best interest at heart (and has proved it more extensively than anyone else we have encountered)... we resist Him telling us what to do... or how to do it, sometimes. We want peace tied up and tossed at us with no strings attached... It's a silly thought, really. When our whims and desires run the show and make all our decisions... we run in circles like dogs chasing their tails. Thank goodness our God offers us direction and guidance away from such a fruitless pursuit.

"I will hear what God the Lord will say; For He will speak peace to His people, to His godly ones;
But let them not turn back to folly. " Psalm 85:8

He brings peace....so long as we don't stubbornly hear His words and decide we know better... or just simply don't want to be told what to do.

A hundred and one ways to sell 5 cheap chocolates for $10.00

2007-09-15T23:09:00.000-04:00

School fundraisers are back in swing, and my kids are in on the action. We've always made them do this on their own, and honestly it's kind of fun for me to sit back and see who they work up the courage to approach. I rounded the corner at church the other night to see Terry Rush, our minister, ordering something from Eli. Since we've worked together for a few years, I knew that Terry generally didn't order from such things simply because of the great number of kids we have at church involved in so many different groups.
Surprised by his move... I asked him after Eli moved on what had made him change his mind. He laughed, and shared what Eli had said that changed his mind this time - you can read it on Terry's blog: http://terryrush.blogspot.com/2007/09/i-think-he-saw-me-coming.html

A little trip to the principal's office...

2007-09-04T21:53:00.000-04:00

So, last week my son made a poor choice while on the playground that rightly resulted in him losing recess for a couple of days. Today was the last day of that punishment, and while missing recess, he had to sit in the principal's office.

So he decided to write a paper. Here is exactly what he wrote:

"Whats the purpois of this class? To play? No! To Succed? No!
It is to play and learn.
God wants us not to learn without break! Or play without learn! He wants both!
More then that, he wants us to prise him!
But we cant do any of them without God in our hearts! "

He was so proud and excited to show me that he had come up with all of that on his own. ("I did have to ask how to spell a couple of words though.")

Simple, and yet profound. It's amazing what we can find in our hearts when nothing is there to distract us!

Quotables from my kids

2007-08-23T21:05:00.000-04:00

Well, I've not been feeling great this week. We're supposed to have a garage sale this weekend... and yet I'm once again out of energy... so I thought I'd sit down and catch up on some funnies from my kids this summer. It was inspired by one just tonight from Eli!

Jason was with the praise team tonight for practice, so in an effort to speed along bedtime I combined the kids rituals, and instead of each getting to read three books separately, they were allowed to pick one book each, and I would pick a bible story, and we would read them all together. As they were in the process of picking books, Jason came in and said "Hey guys! Can I read to you?" The kids went crazy with excitement - "Yea! Dad! You're awesome!! WE LOVE YOU DAD!!! WOO HOO!!"
I was still sitting on the floor, smiling, but Eli, being extra sensitive, didn't want to leave me out. "We love you too mom! I mean, YOU are great ... because you married a GREAT man!" Jason and I died laughing... at which point Eli realized it must have sounded funny... "I mean... you are great for other reasons too, like, uh..."
Eli quickly learned the symbol and meaning behind digging yourself into a hole. :-)

I've got some other quotables .. .in no particular order, from the summer. So even though I haven't been blogging... I've had you on my heart and all over in tiny scraps of 'scribbled on paper'....

*****
Jason: "We've got to try that DVD out to make sure it's repaired."
Julia: "Yeah... because we don't got any plugger-ins."

*****
(Julia, as we are in the frozen section at the grocery store one day..)
"Mom! We have to get some freezing dinners! We're all out of freezing dinners!"

*****
(Julia - on a Sunday morning)
"I know where we're going today!"
(Me)
"Really? where?"
(Julia)
"Church. You know how I know? (hands on her hips with a mysterious twinkle in her eye..) Because of the DRESS!"

*****
One morning we decided to go to Golden Corral together. It was about 10:45.
I told the kids to get ready to go, that we were going to eat breakfast together. Realizing the time, I said, "Well, we will actually be able to have breakfast and then lunch. I guess that's why they call it 'brunch'.
Julia said: "I think we should call it "re-breakfast." :-)

Later that same morning, after she'd finished her "re-breakfast," Julia stood at the table telling me she had to go to the bathroom, while Jason was paying the bill. I told her if she could wait just a few minutes, we'd be home. a few seconds later, I look over as she throws up all over the table. (A theme for us this month...)

After I get her cleaned up, and we're all just watching her to see if she's okay, she says:
"Well, I knew I needed to be in the bathroom, I just wasn't sure why yet. Now I know!"

Now THAT's what we call re-breakfast.
(I feel like that's something my dad would say....) :-)

****

After the kids dog piled me on the bed one evening, they both jumped up and I said "Hey! Thanks for the huggins!"

Eli : "Sure Mom... but I only gave you one."
Me: "Oh... sorry for the improper pluralization of the word."
Eli: "It's okay."

****
(You know your kids are enjoying science too much when....)

One morning we were reviewing by memory the ten commandments. We'd only studied 7 and the kids we're forgetting one of them. Finally Eli just guessed:
"Always remain in a symbiotic relationship with dolphins?"
How do you answer that? (Besides "NO!")

One evening, Eli was cold and shivering after stepping out of the shower. I hurriedly tried to reach for a towel to wrap around him. As I was grabbing for it, he said "Man. Aren't you glad we don't have to use echolocation?"
(The manner in which bats find their way around though blind by using sonar.") ummm... yeah.

****

As we were driving to a birthday party, Julia began to beg me to tell her what we got her friend for her birthday.

Julia: " Mom... please tell me what we got her."
Me: "You don't need to know."
Julia : "PLEASE? I promise I wont tell her."
Me: "Sweetie, you can just find out when she opens it!" (Julia had just recently blown a surprise on accident.)
Julia: "PLEASE... PLEASE!! I PROMISE you I won't tell her!" (her voice begging to regain trust again.)
Me: "Okay... we got her Jenga."
Julia: "Jenga. JENga. jenGA. Jeeennnngggaa......"
Julia: "MOM! Now that word is sticking over and over in my head! I wish you wouldn't have told me because now I'm afraid I'll forget to not tell her!"

****
Eli lost his first tooth, FINALLY. However, it took just long enough that he had already begun to question the existence of the tooth fairy. He kept testing us, and we kept avoiding. Finally, one night, I heard him telling his sister that the tooth fairy wasn't real. It was just moms and dads.

I pulled him aside into another room and asked him why he was saying that. He said he really wanted to know, because he just didn't think he believed that. As a parent, I've always felt a little conflicted about what to do when we hit this stage. I want him to enjoy childhood, but he's getting pretty smart , and I also want him to have full confidence that he can trust us. So I tested the waters to see what I could get away with...I told him if he really wanted to know, we could talk about it.

Me: "Eli - I will always do my best to tell you the truth about everything. If you don't believe in the tooth fairy, who do you think it is?
Eli: " You."
Me: "Eli, do I ever have any money lying around that I'd be able to leave under your pillow?
Eli: "Yes."
(Me... scrambling since the sarcastic adult humor diversion didn't work....") "Well, who else might it be?"
Eli: (eyes widening....) " A stranger?"
Me : "Now, do I ever let strangers in the house?"
Eli: "Well, no. And there's the whole alarm thing."
Me: "Yeah..."
Eli: (Eyes really wide.. very serious, and now whispering..) "I know... is it Santa?"

:-)

Okay...my unintentional summer sabbatical is almost over....

2007-08-16T22:56:00.000-04:00

Thanks for the encouragement (?) to start blogging again. I had never really intended to stop!!... but the summer took a VERY busy turn! Anyway.... I kept a few things in mind and even jotted a few funny conversations with my kids to catch back up. So the summer summary....

1. We committed to working with the college group from Memorial for the summer. A highlight for us was 2 hours each Monday night spent with about 15 kids who wanted to study more on how to become leaders. It was challenging, encouraging and refreshing! What an amazing group... it encourages me for God's kingdom!

2.My husband's younger brother, Aaron moved from Ohio to live with us this summer before heading to AIM for the fall. - Wow. We've always loved him... but it was fun getting to know him all over again as an adult. He impressed and blessed us. And little did we know that God intended to use Aaron to address many of the hopes we had for the college group. It's amazing to watch our God work. He was a blessing to our family and this became a special summer because he was here. We seriously miss him already!

3. My husband's other brother, Jeremy, and his wife Jessica, and daughter Elizabeth, moved to Tulsa, and moved in with us until they bought a house.
How exciting to have them here! We are thrilled. God opened amazing doors for jobs and a house... making their transition quicker than I had ever dared to hope for. They lived with us for about a month.

With both brothers and family, the house was full and hopping with activity... but it was a special and unique time that I doubt will ever happen again....and I can honestly say I treasured every moment with them! Aaron's in Lubbock, and Jeremy & Jessica are now getting settled into their new home, but come this fall...we may get to have the whole family ( including Jason's youngest brother, sister in law and nieces, together for Thanksgiving. This will be a first that I can remember, so I'm thrilled at the possibility!

3. VACATION! The crazy summer was brought (nearly) to a close by a wonderful vacation in Destin, Florida.

We went with some dear friends... and it was wonderful! We sometimes ask our kids what the "highs" and "lows" of their day was... so I'll share a few of those for our vacation time....

LOWS:

Julia throwing up massively about 5 minutes before we left the house. Undeterred, we loaded the car and left. She continued to throw up about every hour, despite stopping in Russellville and then Conway for Rxs, (sorry we didn't call you Dusty...) until we finally stopped in Memphis, TN. At one point Eli was throwing up at the same time. Somehow I managed to keep the car completely clean. I was impressed with myself. That was probably a "HIGH" for me. :-) I'm a pro with baggies now....

Also, I got stung by a jellyfish. What's funny was that it was on the inside of my thigh, and it was painful enough that for a day I couldn't walk comfortably or gracefully.... My mother-in-law told Jason last night she heard you were supposed to "pee" on jellyfish stings to inactivate the poison. I'd say I wish I knew that then... but somehow I think I would've just put up with it anyway. :-)

HIGHS:

No phones or email for a week... no "to do" lists... no makeup or fixing my hair....

Homemade Strawberry shortcake almost every night, AFTER the kids went to bed!

Swimming every day... naps every day...

Going to beach, enjoying the view and the sounds, then, after getting hot and sandy, coming back and jumping into the cool clean pool to swim for another hour!

a spectacular lightening storm one night!

our kids enjoying each others' company so much that they wanted to have a "sleepover" together... even though they were already on vacation together!

Eli lost his first tooth!

We not only 'remained' friends through the week... we enjoyed and were thoroughly blessed by the whole time together!

Overall it was a wonderful time and a HUGE blessing... really the first "major" vacation that I can think of that we have ever taken - purely for the sake of relaxing, with no agendas. It makes me appreciate more why God called us to rest at times.

***

Well... I have in front of me a stack of 7 papers on which I have jotted notes or conversations to eventually blog... but I think I'll save those. The summer is not quite over.. we have a busy weekend , school begins next week ( and my baby is off to Kindergarten!), and then a garage sale to plan for next weekend... but after that, things should slow down. I'll save my cute stories for then... and won't take so long to get back!

I'll leave you with this Julia-ism: (with me while grocery shopping):

"Mom... we have to get some freezing dinners. We are all out of freezing dinners at home."

3 CHEERS FOR "BIBLEMAN!"

2007-07-09T11:17:00.000-04:00

A couple of months ago, my friend Jennifer agreed to teach the 1st grade at church on Wed. nights. She decided to do a video series for the kids - "Bibleman". (Available at Mardels). Little did I know how powerfully this would impact my children. (WOW! What an invaluable gift you gave us my friend! Thank you! )

The series in class has ended ... but it has only begun in our home. We are obsessed - and for once, I'm completely okay with that. In the last couple of weeks, Eli has randomly quoted verses that he's learned - and not without understanding of their application in life. I 've even learned a few verses from him! A few of my favorite random quotes coming out of his mouth recently .. ( and yes, completely on his own....)

(after a conversation about the devil and pride)
"Mom - that's just like what it says in Isaiah 2:17! " The arrogance of man will be brought low and the pride of men humbled; the Lord alone will be exalted in that day"
(and yes... I had to look this up to see if it really said that!)

(after talking about why Jesus might have said to not even be angry when talking about the commandment to not murder...)
"Oh! that's like "Lead us not into temptation!"

(while talking about the heart in a bible lesson)
"Mom - I shouldn't have disobeyed you a few minutes ago. Because the bible says 'He who obeys the commands protects his life.' "

I love having a hero that my kids can emulate... our swords have become "swords of the spirit" - and the "bad guys" really are the ones they'll fight the rest of their life... pride, anger, disobedience, lies...etc. Bible man and Biblegirl fly around in their capes dueling and partnering against evil much of the day. And I feel safer. :-)

In a world FULL of subtle, destructive & heartbreaking influence on our kids... here's my shameless plug for the breath of fresh and energizing air Bibleman brings!

Grandmas have the touch.

2007-07-09T08:25:00.001-04:00

Jason's mom and step-dad were here to visit this weekend, which was fun. The kids were sad after they left.

This morning Julia woke up, and wanted some breakfast. (Which usually has been a cold poptart and a glass of milk.)
When I set the poptart and milk down in front of her, she said "Grandma McCall makes the best ones of these."
I asked her why she thought that and she said : "Because she roasts them."

What a novel idea. :-) So we've begun 'roasting' them, in honor of Grandma.

37 things I love about Jason

2007-07-06T14:33:00.000-04:00

I always have funny stories to tell on my husband, but I rarely take the time to share the wonderful things about him. His birthday today gives me a good chance to reflect on 37 years worth of wonderful… and share it with you!

1. First and foremost… my dream, before I knew much of anything else I wanted, was to marry a man who would love God more than he loved me. I knew that if that were a reality, our marriage could weather anything. God was faithful to that prayer!

2. Jason really does love God with all of his heart, soul, mind and strength. He’s not a perfect man, but he’s honest - and will put anything at all before God to be transformed and changed in himself.

Out of that love He has for God flows the love he has for people....

3. He roots for the underdog .. but not in the sense of cheering from the sidelines. He actually gets involved – and runs along side them.

4. He cheers on the overwhelmed. He has amazing patience with people who are tired and depressed or feel like life is too much. He’s never too busy to talk to someone who really needs it.

5. He serves tirelessly. (That might not seem like much until you realize he serves me almost daily and I am pretty difficult to live with!) I don’t know that a day can go by that he hasn’t done something kind and thoughtful for me or for the kids.

6.He offer and asks forgiveness to a degree that few people do. In fact, I don’t know that I even fully understood the importance of those concepts before I met him. The first few years of our marriage took quite a bit of modeling for me to get it…but since then I have been able to more fully understand the concept of the Grace of God. After I watched Jason offer grace so unconditionally for years, I finally began to believe that God offered me the same.

7. He loves to play NERTS and always beats me. (it’s his birthday, and the only reason I would admit it. )

8. He loves children. If any of you know him…. he hates animals. Early on in our marriage he let me know that we wouldn’t have dogs (though I loved them.) It was watching a little child enjoy a dog that eventually led to him to reverse that decision – and more than once, despite the health problems it caused for him.

9. He loves to laugh. He has disarmed me more than once in the middle of an argument simply by busting out in laughter at himself when it’s gotten way to serious. The first few years I didn’t know what to do with that. ( I thought it had meant that I “won”. ) Little by little, through the years, I learned to laugh more quickly too. Life is much better when you can laugh at yourself.

10. He loves to talk. He just enjoys people – interacting with them, experiencing life with them, thinking with them. And I love that about him.
And while there are many more things that I could write… I wanted to put a few things just for him that I love. (and yes Jason… some that I will miss if you die first.) :-)

11. your singing
12. your laundry skills & laundry "day"
13. your overcommitment to great things because you desire to serve people
14. your “killing time” conversation up that hideous mountain in Ecuador. That was good motivation for me to say “I do” to you. And it’s come in handy since then.
15. X men
16. your ability to drive 18 hours and let me sleep the whole time
17. your allergic emotional reaction to caffeine
18. your tireless energy with the kids
19. your willingness to lead if leadership is needed -no matter what the situation
20. your refusal to give up doing what you think is right – regardless of when life is difficult or unfair
21. your ability to think of a song for almost any occasion
22. your refusal to be deterred by my unending “looks” ( especially when you are singing)
23. your ability to have a big word for almost any occasion
24. that you are willing to introduce yourself to my family, and secretly tell me who they are when I have forgotten
25. your goal to present me without ‘blemish or wrinkle’ to Christ
26. your willingness to say your sorry when I’m wrong
27. your willingness to wait when it takes me too long to say I’m wrong
28. your desire to look people in the eye to make sure they feel cared about
29. your willingness to give up the Simpsons after years because of what you desired for our kids
30. your love of making a tent… or making snowmen… or buying table -top dodgeball.
31. you are simple.. you love rock tumblers, coin sorters and can read a book so deep I can’t even finish the first chapter –and finish two more books while I’m still trying.
32. your investment in mentoring
33. you are humble – genuinely – and will admit if you’re not being such in a moment.
34. your willingness to talk to a lot of people even if you are tired
35. your willingness to lead… even when you feel inadequate
36. your energy in the morning
37. You truly continue to strive to love God above all else!

Happy Birthday Jason! I lam a rich woman - and so are those who have you as a friend. I love you!

Random

2007-07-03T23:36:00.000-04:00

I don't know if anyone still reads this anymore. It's not that there hasn't been anything worth writing, ironically, it's that there's little time in the summer to share it!

I haven't posted in a while, and thought about taking the summer off, but Theresa tagged me! And I always want to be tagged. (Residual feelings from often being the last one picked for team sports at summer camp. ) So here goes!

Here are the rules:

1. I have to post these rules before I give you the facts.

2. Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.

3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.

4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.

5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

And so... random facts...

1. I love the weather channel. Because I love rain, and just to know it's happening somewhere in the world makes it a happy thing for me. I especially love severe weather.

2. Small talk is difficult for me. I struggle to have conversations with people unless it's serious - and since it's sometimes not the right place to to have a serious conversation, I make small talk, which I'm no good at. This makes me kind of nerdy and insecure at the same time. (Unless somebody already knows that about me and is okay with it. ) I think at least a quarter of the population feels the same, but it's good for me to say it out loud about myself, anyway.

3. I'm adopted. Which is funny because later in life when my dad adopted two kids I remember wondering how I would deal with someone adopted becoming a part of our family. (It worked out great, by the way. - Adoption's like that.)

4. At # 4, I'm struggling to come up with a random fact. Because I'm boring and don't do small talk well, which anything having to do with me is small talk. That counts as a fact, right?

5. I HATE talking on the phone. This causes problems because I'm a secretary / receptionist.

6. I'm good at faking. That's how I get by with #5.

7. I don't do the laundry in our family. I always ruin clothes and take forever to get them done.

8. I love lists. I also hate them. The organized me fights with the obsessive me. It's sort of the binge/ purge/ binge cycle that I imagine bulimics go through. (Except I'm no thinner at the end of it. )

So I tag: Cindy & Lindsey . ( I, like Theresa, don't follow rules all the time.)

The "rest" of the story...

2007-06-07T22:23:00.000-04:00

The end of the story, at least for that night, was that I got up from writing, got dressed, and told my husband I was going to go look for her. It was about 1 am and he looked at me trying to figure out if I was really serious. He believed me when I told him he might want to put some pants on . :-)

I left, drove around in the areas where I thought she might be, and never found her.

There's a part of me that wishes there was more to say, honestly. But the end of the story hasn't happened yet, I think. For me personally, the biggest thing that happened was to get up and go.

There are times that I have done something half heartedly, because I knew it "should" be done, but secretly hoping that whatever "it" was, it would be interrupted, so I could claim I "tried", but never really have to actually face my fears. When I finally made it out to the car that night, I wanted to look. I kept trying one more block, one more street over, just in case. For me, that was the hardest place to get to. I was actually disappointed to not find her.

My hope is that it won't take so long for my heart to get there next time. Because I really think there will be a next time. And I want to be just as passionate as I was that night.

I don't know why it took me so long, apart from fear. Sometimes I think I try so hard to distance myself from my own "proverbial street corner" that I lose touch with the part of my God that was confident to seek us "while we were yet enemies." I delude myself with thoughts of when I first sought God as if that completely overshadowed His coming to the street corner to find me years earlier. I over focus on what I have (or don't have) to offer and in the process completely forget this is all just a retelling of His story, of His greatness. I'm just a narrator. A witness. A recipient, too.

My failures don't negate God's truth or love, they just reveal all I have in common with the person I'm trying to share His love with. (Though Satan, and our own flesh would convince us otherwise.)
I believe He's capable of changing their life and their disappointments because He's changed mine. I believe a relationship with Him can turn a person's world upside down. Are there moments in my life that I haven't let Him? Many. And they only reveal my inadequacy, which we already took for granted. Not His.

You know what I have come to love about our God?

He's not afraid of all the days He didn't make a difference in our lives. He doesn't give up after a few tries. He lets us reject Him and lets us have days and years of apathy. And when our own tiredness with our self finally intersects with someone willing to tell us the truth about Him and His love for us one more time, and this time we're desperate enough to listen, He rejoices, without an ounce of resentment at how long it took us, and with no cynicism about the days to come when we might forget or regress.

That makes no sense to us. The vulnerability of it seems like suicide.

Which is why He stands out above us. Bigger than we will ever be. Worthy of our worship. Oh to connect to and be changed by the God who both rebukes us and embraces us; Who weeps over us and disciplines us. Who mercifully comforts us and gracefully doesn't compromise the truth for us.

Father, help each of us connect to that Wholeness in You.

And Chris - I don't know if I encouraged you, but you certainly encouraged me to let Him keep working on this in me. Thank you. Thank you as well, for not settling to let the wrong opinions define the worth of your life by your mistakes. They are sometimes loud voices to stand up against. Your witness to His ability to overcome ourselves may be the most reliable testimony your friend can hear.

"He who has been forgiven much, loves much. " Luke 7:47
"... these three remain, faith, hope and love... but the greatest of these is love. " 1 Cor. 13:13
"Perfect love drives out fear. " 1 John 4:18

My prayer is that your "forgiven much" is the catalyst for true Agape to spread to others as a hopeful reality you can genuinely testify to. And that all of us grow more, rather than less, in touch with our "forgiven much", for the same reasons.

Prostitution

2007-05-28T00:39:00.000-04:00

A prostitute makes 'her corner' at the end of my street, tonight. She flashes her smile and shows interest to anyone slowing down.

My first thoughts were of anger. Of punishment. Of jail.

My second thoughts were of fear. Are we living in the right neighborhood? Is crime really on our doorstep? Are our kids safe? Do we need to move?

But most troubling to me is this:

I realized I know her. She's sat right across from me, in my home, on my couch. We've talked and eaten together and laughed.

She's a real person.

She's not the sum of her actions tonight.

Sometimes life seems neater when that stuff stays on the other side of town. Or when it only happens in the movies.

I don't know a lot about it, I realize. I imagine she gets hungry. She wants out. She wants to be numb. She won't think about it. She'll do what she has to do.

And she still has the capacity to wonder if God could love her. Will she find out? How will her story end?

I'd love to say I know what to do tonight, but I don't. I don't want to contribute to the white picket fence version of Christianity. But I sit here nervous as I think about walking out my front door and down to her "workplace" to talk.

I don't know how successful her night will be, but I know at the end of it, she will still be hollow.

And I know that the God she's at least sometimes seeking understands prostitution. After all, His people have prostituted themselves for years.

His concern for us as prostitutes, while at times did involve punishment, never involved fear. He wasn't compelled to move away from us...but rather to pursue us. I now realize it wasn't coincidental that God led me to read the book and retelling of the story of Hosea recently.

Now's the question:

Will I choose to look like my God? Or will I just theorize about it?

Will I be that "minister of reconciliation" that He calls me to be? Or will I just seek the healthy, the safe, the reasonable?

Will I let her know that He offers "freedom for the prisoners, and release to the oppressed", though I fear she'll not believe it for all she's experienced in life? Will I trust Him to answer for her the questions I can't?

Do I risk my own safety to do so when there's another man across the street, likely watching her and making sure she does her job?

It's comfy here in front of my computer.
It's past midnight.
It won't make a difference, really.
I have kids to think about.
No one would blame me for not going out. Some would call me stupid and unwise if I did.

But if I don't go.... if WE don't go.... "crime" does creep up to our doorstep. Crime in the form of people, making desperate choices, missing out on something more. On Someone more.
Because we're too scared to offer the name of our God to transform the "lawbreaker". Because we've decided the prostitute probably wouldn't be open to Him changing her life. Because that's just a bit more messy than we like to deal with.

A reminder to myself, and to you, if you need it.

The gates of Hell will not prevail against that Name... so we have nothing to lose.

"He is no fool, who gives up what he cannot keep, to gain what He cannot lose."

And she has everything to gain. Such is the preciousness of the gospel.

She, though she doesn't believe it yet, and may consider me a fool to suggest it, is the target of Christ's affection. I don't have to prove it to her... He has, and will.

But He has entrusted the telling her of that to me. To let her in on it. To show her. To help her believe He could love her by showing her I can and do. To love Him more than I think about myself so she has a shot of receiving all He offers her. To invite her back into my home... back on my couch. To eat together, and laugh together again.

And maybe, to give her a chance for freedom.

If she doesn't take the offer... I've nothing to loose.

If I don't make the offer... she's got nothing better than the corner at the end of my street.

I thought that was a boy thing....& other paradigms turned upside down...

2007-05-12T21:15:00.000-04:00

About a week or so ago, we got together with a few couples to explore an opportunity to serve together in a ministry at Memorial. At the end of the evening, all of our kids were playing or asleep and so the adults gathered around on the floor to pray together over the discussion and possibilities.

Little did we know, while we were praying, Julia, of all people, was (VERY!) quietly tip-toeing planting fake spiders, bugs and scorpions all around us. It was when we finished and opened our eyes that we learned Shane May doesn't like spiders very much. :-)

I have to admit, I was half way impressed with her practical joke skills, until today. I was cleaning out a few closets to make a room ready for my brother-in-law to come and stay with us for the summer. Then I ran into a few of the fake spiders myself.

I decided I might prefer her being afraid of them after all.

****

I had said on the previous post that I would share some of the conversations that Eli and I had surrounding the discussion of "many gods" in the first grade classroom. The last week hasn't afforded extra time to do so until now.

It was an interesting discussion, to deal with Eli's convictions and doubts that the class at presented at the same time. His simple questions included many deeper ones that we grapple with in trying to either believe in or understand God. Sometimes we fear the questions. I have learned though, that fearing the questions results in shallow faith, which isn't what I want to hand on to my child. I won't share all of the questions that came up... but I encourage you to hear the other questions encompassed in the ones your kids ask. And I encourage you to not be afraid to explore for the answers. What I learned from this discussion is that God is right.. His word is living and active... and sticks.

"Mom? The teacher said that the Indians prayed to the rain gods and it rained?"

It just doesn't make sense, does it? We are tempted to think the best move on God's part, if He's trying to convince the world He's real, would be to make every experience like Elijah's...(1 Kings 18)- to only pour out rain to the one who asks the right God. But thankfully, God doesn't fit our shallow mold. We opened Eli's bible and read in Matthew 5:45:

"He causes his sun to shine on evil people and good people. He sends rain on those who do right and those who don't."

There is such depth for our kids and for us alike to understand in that simple verse. If our God can pour out the essentials of life to those who despise or disbelieve Him as equally as to those who love Him...we can too. Ironically that would be one indicator of this God not being created by man... He doesn't fit any paradigm of ours. Those who believe in Him spend most of their life submitting themselves to being transformed to His way of thinking because it doesn't at all come naturally! (I loved someone making the point once that we never have to be taught to sin...but we do have to be taught not to.)
... God takes us far beyond the superficial "being good" that people first think of associating Christianity with. If we let Him, He moves us into absolutely illogical realms of self denial and love that don't come "naturally" to anyone. It is an other-worldly love.

***
In the conversations we had, Eli became conflicted about feeling that the truths we were reading needed to be shared, and yet he felt a little afraid that his teacher would get mad at him. I told Eli that Jason and I would go in and talk to her about the discussion.

"No Mom... I want to talk to my teacher about this. By myself."

I wondered why he became very adamant at this point. So I asked him, at which point he began to flip through his Bible to explain himself. He flipped throught Proverbs and searched for a minute before pointing me to Proverbs 12:1 and said "Here - this is it."

"Anyone who loves to be trained loves knowledge. Anyone who hates to be corrected is stupid." - Prov. 12:1

I laughed out loud and then explained that while that verse had great truth and merit to it, I didn't think it would be the one he would be taking in to his teacher. But he was already looking again, realizing it wasn't exactly what he had meant.

Finally, he found Proverbs 12:24:

"Hands that work hard will rule. But people who don't want to work will become slaves."

Now this was the interesting thing for me. About 3 weeks earlier I had explained to Eli the concept of plagiarism while he was researching and writing a little report. I walked away, only to come back to a completely "copied and pasted" work he tried (intently) to pass off as his own. The consequence of the action was to spend a little time each day on the report until it was due, (about 5 days later) and in addition he had to write this verse out each day.

And this was the verse that came to his heart... uniquely applied to a different situation ( which is huge in the Asperger's realm of thinking!!). It was not for him to pass off a difficult situation to mom and dad. It was for him to own it.

I hadn't counted on the verse sticking and making an impact like that. But what an incredible lesson I learned when it did.

We talked a lot more, and finally he went to bed.

Eli woke up the next morning, agitated and angry. I quickly realized from conversation it was because he was conflicted... wanting to share truth of his understanding and wanting to avoid tension he felt he would encounter. So he was caught somewhere between wanting to not go to school and wanting to leave and go straight to her room.

Been there too?

We had also poured over his conflicted emotions the night before about encountering someone you like and yet believing their teaching to be in error. How do you balance conviction and truth with respect and love, especially in the culture we live in today. It's not easy. It is a balance, (especially with the way Eli's mind processes things), to teach why we firmly believe the existence of God is undeniable, - and worth sharing with others, and still help him navigate social interaction with confidence about those beliefs and genuine love and respect of others. One doesn't have to have Asperger's to blunder in that department, (!) but it does make teaching sensitivity a little trickier without watering down convictions.

We drove to school having decided he would wait until Jason and I could set up a time with this teacher to talk together. We arrived at school and as he was getting out he changed his mind, and grabbed the bible out of my purse, intent on showing her what he'd learned right away.
(Again, the beauty of Asperger's is that it doesn't have to wait for a rational moment to discuss what's important. That's one thing I honestly love about him...:-) So I parked and came back in to the school to take him and find the teacher . It was a great experience. It was a real experience. And we continue to grow, and learn.

Overall what I learned again was this: don't be afraid to put the Bible in your kids hands at every opportunity. Don't be afraid of their questions. They might ask one you were afraid too. Don't be afraid of the God who will answer and don't be afraid of where He might take you with the truth or His timing. You may learn your fear was holding you back from the best reality ever.

2007-05-03T14:47:00.000-04:00

Eli was in a class at school where they were making rain sticks, and in learning about the culture, learned that the Indians called on the rain-gods by using these sticks to ask for rain. He challenged this idea, saying that he believed in only one God. And he came home having to grapple with the voices of our culture, even in 1st grade.

“That’s okay for you to believe, but others believe differently, and they are right too.”

“I believe in many gods – whatever you believe is fine, but don’t try to make others believe what you do.”

“Well, the Indians prayed to their rain god and he answered them, so…”

Eli was really troubled by this, especially since it had come mostly from a teacher. (Not Cindy, for those of you wondering, but another teacher we love and appreciate greatly….) And honestly, as he recounted the phrases that stuck in his head, I was troubled too.

The questions the world will ask of our faith are hard. And legitimate.

As a momma, I, like everyone, felt conflicting feelings.
I want to protect him. I revisited considerations I’ve had of private school and homeschool. I wanted to confront the teachings…and remind the staff member that separation of church and state means they can’t teach my child what to believe or not believe… I wanted to avoid. Because I hate confrontation altogether. And, I wanted to take advantage of a great opportunity.

Eli had conflicting feelings too.
I don’t want to go back. What if she gets mad at me again? I want to teach her about One God! I don’t think I should learn anything from her if she teaches a lie. I don’t like her anymore…

Ever been there? It doesn’t just happen in 1st grade.

“Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect… (1 Peter 3:15)

The problem is that too often, we settle. We tell God He’s not worth the fight. Or we let culture tell us it’s not polite to assert our faith in the presence of others who think differently. Or we run over people so fast with our beliefs that they can barely catch their breath, let alone catch a glimpse of where they fit in it all. Sometimes we hide behind law, or we let others tell us we have to. Or for some of us, the conflict is so intimidating, we let the struggle be killed by worries and anxieties in our mind before it ever has any effect on our actions at all….

This led to some pretty insightful conversations between Eli and I that I will share over the next few posts… they may not be profound to the world, but the two of us learned a lot from God’s word and His spirit…and had some funnies happen too. All good things from Him are worth sharing. So are weaknesses sometimes. None of us are superheros. Raising our kids to be “in the world but not of the world” can be painful, challenging, confusing, and rewarding...but it's a worthy pursuit.

1st grade’s not to early … to be asked hard questions, or to learn that faith really can answer them.

2007-04-28T21:45:00.000-04:00

Cindy has been Eli's teacher for the last two years - and will be a dear friend for many to come. I said before - she is a blessing directly from God. She has more talent and ability than should be alotted to one person... but as long as our family is blessed by it I'm okay with it...:-)

For my birthday, she put together this fun video of Eli's firstgrade year. She is so special to us - and is a good one for tear-jerker gifts! Thank you Cindy!

Catch up

2007-04-26T22:52:00.000-04:00

So tonight is my short chance for catch-up. I think Angie calls it a blog blitz...so that's what I'm doing tonight!

* * *

Tonight, Eli picked up a Kaleidoscope of mine from when I was little.

Eli - "Mom, this is a good way to look for God."

Me- "How so?"

Eli- "Because you have to look at the light - and when you do, you see all sorts of new colors in life."

That kid is seriously cool, sometimes.

* * *

If you want to crack up, check out another Eli's videos !! Eli's a friend who we got to hang out with for a couple of days - a rare treat for us. He's a minister in California, and he and his wife are just people you know are pretty incredible from the moment you meet them. You can pick any video and crack up, but the two on the bottom, left-hand side of his home page are my favorite. My kids can't stop watching it. :-)

* * *

My birthday was Tuesday, and for the first time, Eli bought me something that he completely picked out and paid for on his own. It was a huge jug of purple lavender bubble bath. He told me he hoped I could " at least get two bubble baths out of it." :-) It was the best gift ever. I seriously didn't know how precious that would be.

* * *

I'm sold on two books that I have to share.

First, - as I've said before, I'm not a fiction reader, normally. But I'd heard a couple of times that I really needed to read "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers.

It's a retelling of sorts of the book of Hosea, set in the 1850's . I have fallen in love with it. I'm not even sure I can come close to doing it justice in reviewing it... but the gut wrenching journey it takes you on as you live out each character is amazing... bringing me to "a-ha" moments about myself at every chapter. The many opposing emotions we grapple with in ourselves find a voice and a character - and the illogical, unreasonable pursuit of us that God initiates despite our best efforts to thwart Him take shape - and begin to make sense -both inspiring me accept love and to offer love to others with equal abandon.

The second book that I've been really challenged by is called "Stripped: Uncensored Grace on the Streets of Las Vegas", by Jud Wilhite.
I'll be honest... as I stepped into the first chapter - I was frustrated with where I thought the author was going... & wanted to throw it away. But knowing my friend Stu doesn't waste time with the books he recommends, I decided to keep going - and it turned a lot upside down for me, - thankfully so.
At one point I was appalled, only to have my hypocrisy gently revealed to me. Truth wrestled open the door of some convictions I had left untouched and un-dealt with - unravelling the false sense of security I had built around them and making the uncertainity of grace not only more certain and but more justified.

Here's one of more than a few underlined passages in the book:

"Too often we mistake grace for weakness, forgiveness for giving in. We see strength only in pointing out sin and stomping on it until it's dead. But in Jesus we find someone who has no patience for those more concerned with enforcing the rules than helping others. Though He was perfect and, therefore, in a position to judge and punish all of us, Jesus showed us a different kind of strength, a strength found in grace, compassion and forgiveness.
Jesus had a way about Him that caused people to feel they could approach Him. Children ran to Him and sat in His lap. Women were drawn to Him and His message in a culture that oppressed women. His inclusiveness shook people. He related to those of another race and religion (Samaritans), those of questionable professions, and members of the religious elite. He challenged all to love their neighbors, care for the poor, and live toward God. He showed grace to those who needed it most. But, if I may be blunt, He was not a wuss...."

Both books do an incredible job of inspiring one to step up to the plate with the difficulties of offering grace.... and firmly reminding us of the reasons why.

* * *

Who needs cable when you have kids?

2007-04-15T20:52:00.000-04:00

2 Funnies (from Julia) and a neat one (from Eli) for the night.

This morning Julia runs her finger from her shoulder to her wrist and says:

"I think my brains are coming down my arm."
I look at her for a moment, confused, but knowing she will never leave a void of air unfilled... so I wait.
"It makes me sad that other people can see their brains and I can't see mine."

"Do you mean 'veins'?" I ask.

"Ohhhh... yeah," She laughs.

Tonight, in her prayers, she prays for the chance to babysit Ms. Stacey's new dog. (They affectionately refer to it as the psycho dog.)
"But God, I hope he's not scared because then he might bite me, and I been bit before. In Jesus' name, Amen."

She then looks at me and decides to explain.
"You know one time Clancy (My brother-in-law's BIG dog) was around me. And I was by him, and then I didn't see my finger inside his mouth. Then he accidently bit me."

I hate it when that happens. But I do think we could go on the road with her show.

Eli prayed the sweetest prayer tonight, about our worship minister, Shane.
It started off like a pretty routine prayer, but became quite lengthy (for Eli) and centered around Shane. I can't remember all of it, but here were some of the things he said:

"God, thank you for Shane. I just really like him a lot and he is a nice man. When I am around him, He makes me just always think of God. He's like a robot. "

When I first heard him say that, I didn't know what he meant. But when he had finished praying he sort of repeated all of it to me, sharing his thoughts a little more. He said:

"Mom, Mr. Shane is like a robot because every time I'm around him, he always makes me think of God. Not everyone can do that, but with him, it's every time, I just automatically start thinking about God."

I thought that was a pretty impressive compliment. - And a true observation. :-)

Ahoy there!

2007-04-12T20:44:00.000-04:00

Sadly, I think I've passed on whatever it was I had to my family.

Tonight, Julia was whiny and complaining of feeling cold. I asked her if she was feeling bad.

"Yeah. I think I'm seasick."

:-)

Wednesday. (Because sometimes you just don't have the energy to be creative with a title.)

2007-04-12T00:34:00.000-04:00

I'm a few days late in catching this, but DOUG had some great insight into why AIM-a-Palooza was so special to some of us...

I was feeling pretty bad & spent a rare day in bed today. Julia, always wanting to "pretend play" and yet wanting to be sensitive, had the perfect idea:

"Momma, I know! Why don't you be the girl who's sick and sleeps for many hours?"

Thanks Jules... I think I will. :-)

Rainbow Hands

2007-04-09T23:15:00.000-04:00

So in December, our fam went to Branson. We'd been a couple of times, but never in the winter and it was BEAUTIFUL! We had a magical time. With the exception of the rainbow hands.

It was one of those souvenier booths that I usually pass right by ... but this one really caught my eye. You dipped your hand ( or hands if you wanted one of you & someone special) into a vat of wax until the mold formed, and then they painted and decorated it for you. They were really cute, and though a bit overpriced, I thought it was worth it. Not like it's a t-shirt you spill chocolate milk on and then throw away. No... I had visions of it capturing history. I asked Julia if she'd do it with me. What a picture for years to come!?!... my precious little girl's hand tucked sweetly in mine capturing the moment she would quickly outgrow....

The process was simple enough... hold hands, then dip them for about 20 seconds in the warm wax, then holding the form dip them into ice water for another 20 seconds... and repeat this about 4 times back and forth until the mold forms. Then slip your hands out, and they paint and decorate it right before your eyes.

Julia was on board. At first. Then she got scared. Then she started crying and didn't want to do it. I talk her into it, step forward,only to hear the owner tell me he really didn't let kids as little as her do it because they usually weren't still enough. Then she starts crying because he won't let her do it. Another customer steps forward and we move off to the side... Jason wants to forget it and walk away, I really want to do it, and Julia is still crying - now because she wants to do it yet is still scared, and mad.

When the other customer is done, and no one is around, I ask the owner if he would just try for us. He agrees, and Julia reluctantly steps up, Jason rolls his eyes, and I try and talk excitedly about this fun thing that were are about to do together!

So we put Julia up on this little stool so she's high enough to dip her hands into the two barrels, and get started. We start with the ice water so the wax only feels warm. Now understand... neither sensation is really extreme or uncomfortable... just funny feeling as you went from one to the other. But as we start... Julia decides that she doesn't want to do it any more... and starts pulling away and crying. I however, have determined that we have made enough of a scene that we are not turning back. So I grip her hand to hold it in form, she cries ( loudly) and I smile and offer encouraging words as I fake appearing completely oblivious to the whole thing.

When we finally complete the process and remove our hands... there it is: that sweet beautiful, history capturing moment of me death gripping Julia's hand.

Somehow, it seemed the appropriate moment to catch in a permanent mold.

That little mold sits on her bookcase in her room, now. This morning she randomly pops up and says, "Momma, some things I want to stay with me forever."

"Like what?" I ask. "My Rainbow Hands." She answered.

She takes them down and often shows anyone who visits. I catch her playing with it every now and then. (Even when she's not supposed to.) She loves it.

Isn't that ironically true of some of our more traumatic moments in life?
If we let them, they become the moments that redefine us. God gently walks us forth,despite the fact that our heels are dug in and our protests loud.Our fear becomes so overwhelming and our cries so adamant that we become oblivious to the comfort of His presence beside us and His hand holding ours, experiencing everything we are desperate to get away from right along with us. And then it's over. And as tears clear and time passes, one day that moment which we had feared becomes the moment we value. Sometimes we even treasure it. It some small way, it is a humble symbol of what we learned that we could survive -when we learned that He really did create us differently than we had always seen ourselves.... When we realized that the death grip showed that He was bigger than what we were afraid of ..

Those rainbow hands were worth the price... and ended up capturing way more than just a moment for us...

You know your child doesn't get out much past 8 pm when....

2007-04-07T22:54:00.000-04:00

Julia and I were reading her Bible for bedtime last night. She got a new Bible , and so we decided since we were "upgrading" from the story books to her first real "big" Bible, we'd start at the beginning... so creation was covered the first night. She knew a lot already so we were having fun "filling in the blanks" as I would read.

We got to day four...
"God made two great lights. He made the larger light to rule over the day. He made the smaller light to rule over the night. He also made the stars."

Me : "Julia, what was the bigger light God made to rule over the day?"
Julia: "The Sun!"
Me: Good! And what was the smaller light God made to rule over the night?"
Julia: "The light switch?"

Tonight she couldn't go to sleep. So after a few futile attempts to get out of bed, she brings me this conversation...:

"Mom, my finger feels funny."

Me: "Okay."

"It feels like there's blood in it."

Me: "Well, Jules, there is blood in it but that's a good thing."

"Maybe it feels that way because of the ketchup I'm eating."

(Those of you with 5 year olds know you can't laugh in their face.) So I swallow my laugh and suggest that maybe she should quit eating ketchup.

"No!! I love ketchup!"

Me: "Well..."

Julia : "But if it happens again in the morning, I'll stop eating ketchup."

I don't know what we'll do if she decides to do that. It's her only daily vegetable serving....

A must read for this weekend ( and any time you want to Worship.)

2007-04-07T00:29:00.000-04:00

Lindsay is a friend.... a teen mature and wise beyond her years, (and often my years too!) and gifted by God in her ability to write... not just write, -but communicate from and to the heart. Her privacy and humility run deep and yet her submission to God runs deeper ... her desire that He be glorifed outweighed her desire for privacy in her worship of Him in writing this. And I'm thankful that she let us share in it. You will be blessed. It is a poem she wrote after she watched ?THIS VIDEO
on Brenda's blog. If you haven't watched it yet, do so... then read Lindsay's heart... and let it fill and speak to yours.

What can I do but thank You?

What can I do but thank You?
You gave Your life for me
In spite of all the wrong I do
Can I anything but grateful be?
Humbling Yourself to death on a cross
Painful, horrible and cruel
Giving Yourself that I might not be lost
Lord, forgive me, a fool
A fool for knowing the price You paid
And doing my own will anyway
A fool because on You my sins were laid
Yet I give you not even a part of my day
How undeserving I am of this love
This marvelous gift of Your grace
Heaven’s perfect Lamb, come down from above
Meeting me here, face to face
Though You were perfect, for me You were crushed
We tried to destroy heaven’s best
Taking my sins, You ground them to dust
And carried them farther than East is from West

What can I do but thank You?
In spite of our very best swing
Up from the grave You arose like new
Taking away all death’s sting
You triumphed over death
Your victory can’t be denied
Let me praise You with my every breath
You have wiped away all the tears that I cried
Jesus, Your Father has lifted You high
Your name is exalted eternally
At the sound of Your name, all creation cries
“Holy, holy is He!”
Seated, now, at the right hand of God
You wait patiently there on Your throne
But You’ll jump to Your feet when He gives you the nod
And come back to take all Yours home
Until then I’ll wait, blessing Your name
Praising You for all that You’ve done and You do
Because of Your love, I’ll never be the same
What can I do but thank You

Good Friday

2007-04-07T00:01:00.000-04:00

Tonight we had an AMAZING time of worship at a friends home.

On the way there, since this was out of our usual routine, I explained to Eli and Julia what the evening would be like.

Julia said: "I know! Let's praise the Lord first, eat second, and play third! "

We all laughed. I asked the kids if they knew what today was, and was getting ready to explain it to them when Eli surprised me by saying "I know! I know! Today is Good Friday!"

I was honestly surprised that he was aware, so I asked him how he knew.

He replied, "When Emmerson (a friend) and I got to school, we looked at our calendars and it said Good Friday. Then Emmerson told me all about it and then we went to the Lincoln Logs center and played Jesus and the cross.... Emmerson really reads his bible!!"

What a sweet blessing I almost didn't even know about. I'm thankful that God calls and teaches our children even when we are unaware.

Tonight we sat around a living room and sang, prayed, shared communion, and listened to thoughts on why indeed this was a good Friday. It was so good to be with friends who celebrated the redemption we have in Christ. It was a night I won't soon forget, commemorating a sacrifice we can never forget.

A post I wish I'd written.....

2007-04-06T17:00:00.000-04:00

My friend Heather makes a great point about what we're "comfortable" with...

I don't know how to do You Tube yet... but

2007-04-04T13:16:00.000-04:00

Brenda has this video on her blog. Wow. Take the time to watch & listen. It's worth it.

AIM-A-Palooza pics

2007-04-03T01:27:00.000-04:00

Flickr Slideshow

AIM-A-Palooza pics

2007-04-03T01:25:00.000-04:00

AIM -a-Palooza

2007-04-02T01:35:00.000-04:00

I'm a little slow (okay a lot slow) in posting on what was one of my highlights of the week but in my defense... I'm honestly still catching up on sleep!
God blessed us immensely over the last two weeks..... I have six potential posts floating around in my mind, but I owe some who couldn't attend AIM-a-Palooza some photos, so I'll start there!

I will post pics soon... but for now, check out the fun slide show Jason and Michelle did! http://team-harris-happenings.blogspot.com

I can't even begin to convey how cool the weekend was. Tim - I really think it was the name. (Thank you.) :-) It outgrew our house before we even knew it. I put out fliers out at the AIM booth around 10 am on Thursday at the Workshop and was back by 1 pm changing the address on all the fliers to move it to the church building. Good thing, too....I never took a final count, but I know we had over 70 in attendance from what we could count.

The night, to me, was just one more example of our God and His goodness - making things bigger than we dream, blessing more that we imagined, - doing the unthinkable out of simple thoughts. I don't know how many classes were represented ultimately, but for sure 18 classes from the last four decades. ( Thanks Jay and Sherry for making that statistic possible...:-)

What amazed me the most was to see the faithfulness of our God. For many of us, AIM was such a pivotal point in our life... and in our faith. And from there, the journey for each of us is quite diverse...with joy, pain, celebration, disappointment, confusion, uncertainty, confidence and ultimately, profound change.. etc - as any walk that faithfully pursues Him will eventually have.
Jason made a point that if we had a glimpse at where & how everyone worshipped..some of us might be surprised. But I think that's what I loved most about the night. When we piled into the room late that night and began to sing, the passage of time and the different paths were irrelevant. In fact, it seemed better to me... because I knew the hearts that were singing were even more mature and in love with our God than when I first met them. The songs held more meaning.
I sat next to some I knew well, and some I had just met that night. Didn't matter. When God takes you on a journey... He bonds you with others you don't even know... because you both know Him. Most exciting to me was the thought that heaven holds such feelings for us. Except add in everyone who couldn't make it, a few other generations of believers, a heavenly host and songs that we don't even know yet but will love... and wow. Who wouldn't want a taste of that once a year?

I'm not a crowd person... so the one frustration to me was wishing I could have had coffee & conversation with everyone (and by 2:30 am I NEEDED coffee) .... but just seeing everyone & chatting was amazing. Thank you -EVERYONE... for coming and for making it a blessing to so many by your presence. And make plans next year!!

________________________***________________________________________

Angie... My heart smiles in your presence. CONSTANTLY. Thank you for making a huge impact on this world and in our lives - you touch so many. Your sensitivity breathes His life into people. You continue to grow me up and inspire me, friend.

Tim... thanks for always dreaming big - esp. for this weekend. God has blessed our lives through you in particular over and over and over and over again. Thanks for your faithful pursuit of Him.

Jason and Michelle.... I don't know at what point you all decided to come, but when you did, it was like a shot of adrenaline to me - and I KNOW it inspired others. Thank you - that move of faith I really believe added momentum as only He can to others deciding the same - and made the night so special. You both are wonderful.

Heather - Again, I could say the same to you as I just said to Jason and Michelle. I know He worked in your presence bigger than you realized. And even though I didn't get to personally spend time catching up with you like I really wanted to ... the chain reaction of your presence blessed so many. I'll get my time eventually... and between now and then I will keep being inspired from afar by your blog.

Flee ,Selandra & Stuart.... I love that time passes and yet with you it doesn't. Your singing was hoped for ... and a treat. Thanks for always making your voices available for His using along with Ang and Jason to bless others. You enjoy each other, and you let us enjoy you. Thank you.
Flee- I love and miss your directness.. He gifted you in your ability to skip small talk and get straight to the heart. How I love that about you.
Selandra... it's all coming back to me now ( the whole thing about you caring for Eli for the WHOLE first year of his life!) You can laugh out loud at me. Good grief...I've always been a mess and you have always loved me faithfully in spite of it. You were one of the biggest leaps my heart made in the whole weekend. How I have missed you... and could use a good dose of you every day.
Stu... We didn't know 15 years ago how special you would become to us. You continue to eternally invest in our souls. There are friends, and there are friends. You will just always have a special place. Thanks for making the night fun with the books... but know that you have taught me things both through your generosity and in the very books you have passed on that really have changed both of us. He is at work in you always.

Steve - every time we see you... no matter how long or how little we talk, our heart swells with pride in a way it does for few others. In fact, I'm not an overly emotional person - but every single time I get a brief glimpse into your life and what He's doing in you... I feel immediately thankful and overwhelmed - He grew us up through you , and you still hung in there with us. More importantly - you pursue Him. I love that - and I love you.

Donovan and Sharon - You've been doing this connecting thing long before the AIM-a-Palooza night got here. Thank you. I don't know if you get thanked enough - but what you do is bigger than you realize - way bigger. And I would have never guessed that what would get my kids through the night would be the connection they made with yours. What a blessing.. what a glimpse (hopefully) into the future. Thank you so much!

Kris & Barb - Again, I needed lunch... not just a brief hello. (But I will NOT pick the restaurant.) Our hearts are connected to yours permanently though - so we will take time when we get it, and even hugging and standing next to you fill us up. Thank you for shaping us and continuing to bless us.

Kim (Solis) - I can't tell you how many times I keep reflecting on that moment of staring at you over the registration counter - and later thinking that I must have looked either really funny or really rude!! I'm SO glad we figured it out - and so glad our God crossed our paths again. Only He can create such depth of feelings over such a short span of time. My friend, you spurred me on in inspiration bigger than you could have imagined years ago, and it brought such joy to me heart to see where He has taken you since then. Your family is beautiful - and your heart always has been and continues to be. Thank you for being a highlight of my week.

Amy & Jeff - - Again - another shot of adrenaline to hear you were coming. Jeff - thanks for sacrificing and making it so special for so many by sending Amy all that way. Amy, your laughter and stories kept me entertained (even as my body was begging for a pillow) - and you have always been that way. One to balance humor and genuine faith and devotion so wonderfully. I love you and LOVED seeing & listening to you again. I think I could do a thousand late nights with you in the room.

Oh my goodness.... I have so many more to write. But I don't know if they ever read this blog... so I'll save my energy and go to bed at this point. Although I do want to point out it is now 2 am. I don't know why it seemed so hard to stay up that night... I've been able to do it just fine ever since!!!!

Thank you for making my life so much richer...each one of you. I am so out of my league in the blessing of friendships. Our God is so good.

Happy Birthday Julia!

2007-03-28T11:00:00.000-04:00

"For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb." Ps. 139:13

My baby is five years old today. It amazes me- not only what God does in knitting a person into existence, but what He knits into your family through their presence. The whole process of a family growing and His intentionality in it is absolutely amazing.

Have you ever thought about what each individual brings to the family as a whole. About what they bring to you?

When Julia was first born, she had a pretty bad case of colic. I can vividly remember one early morning (or late late night!) up bouncing & walking with her while she screamed away, as she had already done for the 3 hours prior to my shift with her. She had already gone through Jason's shift and my mom's shift with no relief. I was tired, and this was pretty much the Julia we had known up until that point, and I found myself tiredly, but very seriously wondering, "Will I ever even like this child?"

I hated having that thought. I have reflected on that moment many times since the colic passed, and laughed. Not only would I like her, ... I had sorely underestimated how much she would capture the heart of everyone in our family.

With her, God knit into us as a family a WHOLE new level of affection. With her He brought us new sensitivity... new artistic talent.... conscientiousness.... hugging.... drama....mischeiveousness...more hugging.... singing.... confidence.... shyness..... laughter....DRAMA....and more hugging. Jason's always been affectionate, but Julia managed to drag affection out of Eli and I that we didn't know was possible, -simply by her existence and expectation of it's normalcy. I remember the first few years when it became apparent that she gave and expected a lot of affection. You can't tell a two year old that her brother doesn't always like hugs or being touched. And to this day, she can draw more spontaneous affection out of him than just about anyone. God knew we needed that... and knit it in her. :-)

She is an amazing creative, beautiful blessing. She is one more manifestation of His creativity, and His goodness towards us.

Happy Birthday Jules!

AIM-A-Palooza

2007-03-12T13:31:00.000-04:00

Save the date!

**LOCATION CHANGE**

Please note that we have changed the location for AIM-A-Palooza to the - (upstairs).

The response has just outgrown our house! (Exciting!) With so many coming, please feel free to grab a 2 liter or snack on your way over and help feed the mouths.

AND there will be some SERIOUS catching up with people from all over!

If your AIM alumni- and headed to Tulsa for the Workshop, March 22-24, we are having our first "AIM-a-Palooza" (thank Tim Rush for the name! :-D) - on Friday night following the evening speaker. PLEASE COME! It's just an informal time to catch up all at one place - sing, chat and enjoy each other for a brief time. (We'll have snacks too!) You can pick up directions to our house at the AIM booth Thursday or Friday.

We already have alumni from 16 different classes coming so far!... So if your coming and can talk someone else into it too, let us know ! !! Spread the word and invitation!

A victory in failure

2007-03-05T13:54:00.000-05:00

This Saurday was the final exercise in a disaster preparedness training course some of us at Memorial were taking through the city. (You may have seen some coverage of the exercises on the local news Saturday & Sunday.) The "Dream Team" at the church has a number of goals, one of them being to prepare Memorial to be a site that will respond to community needs in the event of a disaster. Roger and Zeila have begun an *incredible* ministry and I'm really excited to be a small part.

The class has been informative... and if you take it seriously, it's challenging. There was a lot to learn, if you really wanted to be effective with the training. As I mentioned in a previous post - the final exercise was a 4 hour 'disaster simulation' that we were to apply our education to, complete with victims and chaos.

To be honest, I was really scared of this simulation. I've shared before that I'm a recovering perfectionist. So I learned a while ago that if I couldn't do something well, I shouldn't do it at all - avoiding responsibility is a nice way to avoid guilt and pressure. :-) I don't give into that thinking much, but the battle still exists... and this was the first time in a LONG time that I found myself sort of praying to get sick so I wouldn't have to go. At the same time, I really wanted to do it.

You need to understand: I knew I would fail. I'm not sharing this out of some misplaced sense of false humility. The material was a lot to grasp. And in my heart I knew that part of the purpose was to fail. We learn from our mistakes. And if your going to make mistakes with peoples lives, ... better to do it with fake victims and fake blood than in real life. But I don't like failure, fake or real. I don't like making mistakes, I don't like other people depending on me and messing them up. I don't like other people thinking I made a stupid mistake. I don't like other people *saying* I made a stupid mistake. :-) If I can't do it well, I'd rather not do it.

The only thing I don't like even more than all of that is the fruitless, cowardly life it produces.

So I went into Saturday's exercise with a weeks' worth of pent up anxiety, but resolution to do it, never the less. I love our God. I needed His peace that morning before leaving. So I prayed and asked Him to speak to me through His word.

"Bible roulette" is not the normal way I study and listen to Him, but I was beginning a study of Nehemiah in my regular study... and figured that wasn't what I needed for that morning. :-) So I flipped open the bible... and prayed that He would speak to me.

First -it fell to the concordance. Which I didn't think "counted". :-) Until my I realized the heading at the top of the page was "lead." Hmmmm. Could fit for today.
Second - It flipped open to Philippians, where the next two things I read were the following:
"Pressing on toward the goal" - (phil.3:12 )- "...Not that I have already obtained this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. "
And lastly - I looked across the page, and saw this: "No confidence in the flesh" (phil.3:1) - "...Finally, rejoice in the Lord..."

Okay. Seriously, our God is good. I don't even know if all of that falls together for anybody else with the same significance that it did for me, but it spoke loud and clear to me. I went on with the day resolved to listen to those words.

It took me until the last part of the simulation to live up to the "lead" part of what I felt God asked me to try and do. As a result, I recieved some really encouraging words and some good criticism. And in doing it, ultimately, I came and did what I was supposed to. I failed. I tried. I learned.

I think my problem with failure is an authority issue. Worse, it's a humilty issue. God's right to work on it in me.

And instead of obessing over all that I did wrong, (okay, well, I did a little of that with my husband), at the end of it all.... I rejoiced. In Him. For having victory in my failure. For not giving into my flesh that didn't want to fail and hence didn't want to try. I pressed on ... for the goal of the day, but also for the goal of life.. to walk by faith and not by sight.

And I'm impressed, once again, by our God. He's amazing.

Backseat drivers...

2007-03-05T09:18:00.000-05:00

My dad gave Jason a handheld GPS for his birthday last year. It is really cool, but Eli knows how to use it even more than anyone in the family. It does alot - even plays a "maze"game outdoors that can track you all over your neighborhood. One of the features is that it can tell you how fast you are moving.

This morning's drive to school was fun.

Eli: "Ewwww, mooommmm.....41.3 (miles per hour). 40.0. good. good mom. good job. ummm, 36. 5, .....32. 7,........28. 6,.........22.5 ,...........15,.......5.7,......0. GREAT stop mom!"

I don't know what's worse. That, or when my husband *calls me* from the car *behind* me to tell me I can make a right turn in thick traffic instead of turning left.

I'm not that bad of a driver. :-)

The trouble with grace...

2007-02-25T14:31:00.000-05:00

So my son gave me some insight today.

To lay the foundation, he had been struggling with some behaviors & making choices that resulted in me telling him he wouldn't get to go with family friends to an arcade this afternoon. This was heartbreaking because he loves the friends and loves arcade games.

We had the normal efforts at good behavior in attempts to change the decision, the apologies, the last ditch efforts to impress me... but as I sent Julia along to stay with our friends and Eli had to stay with me, it slowly sunk in that he really might not go. This led to anger, crying, etc. etc. We had a number of discussions all morning about the behavior, and he was quite aware of his struggles, so it wasn't unexpected to him, but upsetting, still.

I talked to Eli about the problem with apologies being just for the moment... just to get something you wanted. We talked about doing the right thing for the right reason = because it's right. If you were at Memorial this morning, you will remember the video shown depicting Jesus' trial and crucificion. We also talked about that.

We had already talked alot today about the scene from that movie. But it was funny, because all my lectures and discussions from this day and previous days suddenly took on a new meaning to him in light of that scene.

Me : "Eli, do you remember that scene this morning of what all those people did to Jesus?"

Eli (Still teary and sad) : "Yes."

Me: "In all that you have read of Jesus, can you think of anything He ever did to deserve that kind of treatment?"

Eli: "No."

Me: "That's right. Because He never did. But we have. And He did what He did so that we wouldn't have to recieve such treatment for our wrongs - He took the punishments He didn't deserve so that we would never have to take the ones we did deserve. (There was a long pause as he listened and I tried to formulate my thoughts here...)
Eli... that's why we do what's right. Because of what He did that day. Not because if we do the right thing we'll get to go to an arcade with friends. Not because we might have more people like us if we do. Not even because Mom and Dad tell you to do it. We do it because we love Jesus and what he did that day for us so much.

At this point Eli hugged me, and I hugged him.
And then I whispered in his ear that he could go with his friends to the arcade.

Much to my surprise, he began crying again, harder than he had been up to that point. He said in his teary voice... "Mom, I don't deserve to go."

I quietly responded, "You're right. You don't deserve at all to go, today. But this is what grace is."

Eli then said, even more remorsefully, "I don't want grace. I don't want to hurt you."

I hugged him tightly, and said " I sure understand that. But that's why we love grace."
He was smiling and packing up to go in the next few minutes.... and exceptionally sensitive as he left.

****

What got me about this conversation is that he voiced at 7 what I still struggle with at times at 32. I've said before that I am a recovering perfectionist. (Not that I was ever that good at being one.) I think I have come along way... but I know exactly how he feels.

Someone once described mercy as not getting what you deserve, and grace meaning that you get something you never deserved. Mercy always seemed a little easier to give and recieve. Grace, by comparison, never makes sense.

The trouble with grace is that you can't really accept it without accepting a lot of truths about yourself. And we spend a good bit of our lives trying to protect ourselves from those truths.

Grace makes us acknowledge what we don't have a right too.
Grace makes us acknowledge what we haven't earned.
Grace makes us admit what we can never live up to.

Grace makes us uncomfortable.

And if we can get over ourselves enough to get past all of that, grace becomes not that which we are uncomfortable with .... but that which we are desperate for and passionate about.

It's sad to admit that there was a time when I scoffed at grace in my heart. I was trying to do everything right - and figured everyone else should too. And if we were giving it our best... we wouldn't really need grace. Grace was for lazy people. But I lied to myself the whole time.

What I realize about grace is what Paul said all along... it doesn't cause us to sin more...if we let it, it frees us to admit what we always knew about ourselves but felt we couldn't let anyone else know. It allows us to live in HIS victory... it frees us from the ups and downs of our own inconsistency. This doesn't cause us to sin more... but fills us with joy and freedom that becomes a bigger motivator in despising sin than our fear ever did.

And as I still journey to understand the depths of that concept... so my son begins.

Thank you, God... for your Grace that is Jesus.

When cheating is downright cute...

2007-02-22T19:45:00.000-05:00

Su - glad you deleted yourself. Maybe we can both write "delayed" on our on foreheads....:-)Glad to catch up!

****

So each week, my son has spelling words. A new addition to the homework during the second half of school is that he is to write a sentence for each word in prep for the test. This is still a recent addition he's getting used too. And he doesn't always make transitions or changes quickly.

He was close to being done with everything else tonight... and then we reminded him to write his sentences. I copied his words for him, and sat him down at the table with a piece of paper to begin working on it.

His words were:

or
fork
torn
short
for
born

He was done unusally quick, and when he handed the paper to me, this was what he had come up with:

Do you like me or a fork that was torn, (it was short). I got it for being born.

Jason and I laughed so hard he initally got mad at us until we explained how impressed we were with his creativity. I told him in the future he would have to do it differently, but this time... it was worth it to send it that way. :-)

A little more catching up!

2007-02-20T14:08:00.000-05:00

Oops ! Susan ...come back! I accidently deleted you! :-)

Well - AIM-a-palooza '07 (did I spell that right Tim? ) is official... all Ex Aimers are welcome. So if you're an ex-aimer, and in Tulsa on Friday night of Workshop - plan to come by our house after the keynote speaker. I'll provide the drinks, and apparently the nachos. :-) It will be fun!

Dusty... I'm a loser, and have been out of the blogging pocket for two weeks so I'm just now catching up - including getting informed on your nomination. Sorry! ( And thanks for the title...)
We may have to talk more about that....

I've spent the last two weeks taking a disaster preparedness course in my extra time... and it was , humbling, intimidating, interesting and fun! So I'm up to speed now.. if any of you have acts of terrorism, natural disasters, earthquakes, need triaged ( sorry - can't do CPR but I can write "Immediate" ,"Delayed" ,or "Dead" on your forehead for sorting purposes...) - or all of the above, I'm your girl. :-) Our final test in a couple of weeks is a four hour disaster simulation drill complete with victims, fake injuries, etc. .
In all seriousness, an emergency at church the other day drove home the need for even basic skills to be a part of how we serve people... which I lack in areas, and I'm hoping (in a conservative sense of 'hope') that this will be made useful at the right time....

On a funny Julia note....

We were leaving the house on Saturday to go to lunch and return a borrowed car to a friend on the way. I had asked Jason not to forget me so I wouldn't get lost, but somewhere in the conversation we also discussed needing to fill up the borrowed car with gas... which he went on ahead of us to do. So when I came out and got in the car, I said out loud to my mom who was with us, "Oh - I guess Jason went ahead a left me. Well, I think I can get there."

Julia pipes up with her opinion from the backseat. "Daddy made a bad choice."

I said, "Jules, I don't think Daddy made a bad choice - we just didn't communicate clearly to each other, and so we got mixed up. It's okay."

Julia repeated herself. "Daddy made a bad choice." I explained again that this wasn't a bad choice... just a misunderstanding. At which point she corrected me as well by saying:

"No - Ms. Patti at school told us about the ten commandments. And one of them says "Don't leave your wife."

Now, I might just have to use that interpretation again sometime.....

Vocabulary Lessons

2007-02-16T08:58:00.001-05:00

Julia, early this morning, informs me of the following:

"Mom - I know what 'Ahhhmen' means. " (Not sure where she heard it pronounced like that, but....)

Me - "Yeah? What." (Thinking of the few definitions I have heard before and wondering which she heard and from where.)

Julia "It means AAAmen."

:-)

By a lucky fluke I could successfully sign into my blog this morning. Haven't had time or luck previously.. so hopefully I will be back in to post some more later!

The Cross - What's "in" it for you?

2007-02-05T13:56:00.000-05:00

I still intend, when time allows, to post some more on Asperger's. In the mean time, however, I wanted to share a small part in the book "Velvet Elvis" by Rob Bell.
This book challenges me...- a good challenge. I love this quote and thought if I wasn't going to post anything new, I'd at least give you a taste of what I'm reading in the absence of writing!

***
"To say that salvation is holistic is to acknowledge that there are many dimensions to living in harmony with God. In one sense, salvation is a legal transaction. Humans are guilty because of our sin, and God is the judge who has to deal with our sin because He is holy and any act of sin goes against His core nature. He has to deal with it. Enter Jesus, who dies on the cross in our place. Jesus gets what we deserve; we get what Jesus deserved.
For Jesus, however, salvation is far more. It includes this understanding, but it is far more comprehensive - it is a way of life. ....

When we understand salvation from a legal-transaction perspective, then the point of the cross becomes what it has done for us. There is the once-and-for-all work of Jesus dying on the cross for our sins and saying, "It is finished." Nothing more to be offered and nothing more to be sacrificed. All has been forgiven. But let's also use a slightly different phrase: the work of the cross in us. ....There is the ongoing need to return to the cross to be reminded of our brokeness and dependence on God. There is the healing we need from the cross every single day.

Which leads to forgiveness. The point of the cross isn't forgiveness. Forgiveness leads to something much bigger; restoration. God isn't just interested in the covering over of our sins; God wants to make us into the people we were originally created to be. It is not just the removal of what's being held against us; it is God pulling us into the poeple He originally had in mind when He made us. ...The goal here isn't simply to not sin. Our purpose is to increase the shalom in this world, which is why approaches to the Christian faith that deal solely with not sinning always fail. They aim at the wrong thing. It is not about what you don't do. The point is becoming more and more the kind of people God had in mind when we were first created.

It is one thing to be forgiven; it is another to become more and more and more and more the person God made you to be."

***

Are there any areas in your life in which you have just settled for "not sinning"?

Is there unwholeness in you that you don't let Him at because you unconsciously relegated Him to handling the 'sin' issue, and with that out of the way, you told yourself the rest was on your own plate to deal with?

Do you ever have a hard time letting God be sovereign over all of you - not just your salvation?

Rob Bell ends the section with this powerful quote:

"It is one thing to be saved.... It is another to be healed. It is possible to be saved and miserable. It is possible to be saved and not be a healthy, whole, life-giving person. It is possible for the cross to have done something for a person but not in them."

- One thing I am thankful for and dependent on this week is that the cross continues to deliver ...not just a covering of my guilt, but a changing of me.

Asperger's Journey - the here and now.

2007-01-26T22:14:00.000-05:00

It's funny... I feel like I should be posting some "conclusion" tonight.... but the reality is this is all just beginning. I realize the vulnerability for me in writing is that I'm liable to post something tonight and come back in a year and say "Oh - by the way I got that wrong...". I hate being wrong. I like having stuff figured out. Yet I feel fairly sure that the mystery behind Eli's mind is the blessing .... the dependence on God it demands... the humility it breeds in me personally. So I'll wrap up the "today" part of our personal story... and share some general things we've learned in another post or two.

We're in first grade now. Cindy, the wonderful kindergarten teacher and now dear family friend, has moved up to first grade with Eli, and plans are to move to second grade as well. I've swallowed hard and stared into space trying to somehow come up with adequate words to say what that means to us.

Oh... the genuine regret my heart now holds before God that I doubted for those days between finding out where he would go to school and actually meeting her.

Jason said, after reading the previous post, that he had forgotten how hard the years before kindergarten had become. In fact, reading it brought up again some of the unsettling anger and frustration. We’ve been free from most of that over the last two years.

This borders sounding dramatic, and I don't want it to, but I share it because it is the picture that comes to my mind. Having someone who is invested in your child... who cares about them and tries to really help, feels like a respite from war.

It's not always simple or easy to interact with kids with on the Autism Spectrum. The very word “Autism” refers to “self” … meaning one is more connected and interested in what is in their own mind than in the world around them. You’ll hear people refer to kids on the spectrum as “high functioning” or “low functioning” - In my simplistic understanding… I look at the spectrum through that lens… kids have varying degrees and abilities to get “outside” of themselves to interact with the world around them. And that’s on a good day.
Asperger’s carries with it the unique quality of sometimes being quite verbal…so you can have a child who on one hand can use words you yourself don’t know how to spell, and yet that same child can be completely clueless about the simplest manners or appropriate social interactions. They can blow your mind with an adult- like discussion over a topic of interest and the next minute be throwing a screaming fit like a two year old over just a funny feeling tag in their shirt. That can make interactions a little awkward. 

The simplest keys, at least that I’ve seen so far… are education, and caring.

Cindy, simply because of her daily interaction with Eli, has made the most dramatic difference in Eli. Her education and compassion has helped even us as his parents get to know him better. But others, especially in our church family have too. Becky teaches our Bible hour, - and lets him sit on a chair when the others have to sit on the floor. Johnny and Paula took on teaching two quarters of the kindergarten class… and instantly became Eli’s favorite teachers … because they listened to him. When they taught… he wanted to head straight to class. ( And we usually were at least 30 minutes early.) I know what they endured… countless conversations about this video game or that.:-) I have a lump in my throat as I think of their beautiful, not tired- smiles when I would pick him up. They still stop him and ask him questions…. and he always immediately looks them in the eye… because he knows they are looking right back at him, and not past him. Doug, Ron, Michelle, Carrie, Shawn, Keith A., Keith & Ronda, Linda… all people who have that knack for intentionally breaking past the barrier of talking ‘about’ and instead talking ‘to’ him.
Mark, Jennifer, Shon and Stacey have shared almost every Monday night for the last two or three years with our family. They’ve seen our meltdowns… our exasperated and embarrassing moments… and yet let us come back every week.  They’ve listened to me brag on Eli one moment only to watch him be taken out of the restaurant throwing a fit the next. They have allowed the good and bad of an almost sibling-like relationship to develop among our kids, which blesses me beyond belief. They had to be bold and assertive to make that happen. There was a time when I had basically didn’t want to be around people for very long… the “me” that wanted our family to look “put together” had to sometimes make visits with others short and sweet. I’m growing up a little more, - but it’s still a struggle.

I’m learning it’s not just me, however. I’m no longer surprised when I learn families don’t want to go to church with their kids and certainly don’t want to be a part of small groups. One mom I know… couldn’t remember the last time she’d been “out” with her family. That’s just something they don’t do anymore. ( And her kids are still in elementary school.) It’s too unpredictable. It’s safer to just “order in” pizza. It’s easier to be in your own house.

I can remember one time a friend asked Eli to spend the night with her kids. She knew he had some special needs, but reassured me she wanted him to come. Her kids had spent the night at my house. But him going somewhere else was a new thing. A thing I’d managed to avoid for a while. ( I’d contemplated telling Eli other people didn’t have houses… but he was too smart for that one.)

I felt simultaneously thrilled and sick to my stomach.

I remember the next day seeing him and asking how the night went. She said with only a moment’s hesitation, that it was good, - there were a few things they wanted to talk to us about, but it was good and they wanted to do it again sometime. I heard what she said,….. but felt like running away. I didn’t want to have any ‘conversation’ about it. In my mind… if it had gone bad, we’d just avoid it in the future. Because I didn’t know what else to do – and I didn’t want anybody to ask me or “talk” to me about it. .

That evening… we did get together. I dreaded it all day but sucked it up and got ready, (in my mind), for a rebuke. For a reminder (once again) of my inadequate parenting. For a fresh vision of how I was doing nothing to help Eli succeed even in the most basic things in life – like a sleepover.

It was a heartbreaking conversation… though not in the way I thought it would go. She wanted to know what they could do to help. When they encountered something they knew wasn’t acceptable to us or to them, how did we want them to address it? What did he respond to? What would make sense to him? There was never a question about “if “ they would address it. It might be difficult… but they weren’t checking out on us. It wasn’t accusing, as if to say “Are YOU addressing this?” It was just what she said it was. What can we do to help? The question carried an assumption of relationship. -And an assumption of the longevity of that relationship.

My defensive posture went to an uncomfortable “broken” posture. I stood in her laundry room that night a bit of a broken mess… crying, learning, explaining, and in doing so reservedly inviting one more person into my vulnerable world of not having it all figured out. My suspicious, defensive, tired, protective and private self backed off for a few moments to let someone else who was assertive enough in to love all of us on an intimate level. It’s a workout. For all involved.

But its worth it…… in so many ways.

… to learn all the lies you tell yourself about having life figured out in a nice neat package are just that…lies.
… to find the depth and good in people…. who know more than you and have much to offer you
….to find the depth and good in people…. who don’t know much but genuinely want to learn alongside you…
… to find the depth and good in people…. who don’t know much and don’t seem to care…. Just like I didn’t at
one time….

It’s worth it…
… to let people experience the joy I do from seeing life through a completely unpredictable lens like Eli does…
….to get the awesomeness that the God who “knit this child in my womb” and “numbers the hairs on his head” intends for him to bring richness that steps beyond the richness ‘normal’ brings.
….to find that the unknown isn’t so unknown to the God who walks you there… and that the journey isn’t made easier by knowing what you don’t know … or having what you don’t have, but by trusting that He equips you for all you need to know and have at the very moment you are living right now….

Intermission

2007-01-24T21:47:00.000-05:00

I continue to be so incredibly humbled by your words and your encouragement. Thank you - you are part of why I consider our lives so rich.

I sat down last night to take care of normal business like bills and homework so I could post again tonight a little more to our journey, and where we are today. However, just to be honest, God is really working on me this week in some other unrelated areas - and I'm worn out, in a good way. So I'll try and pick up tomorrow...if He desires it.:-)

Jacob's dream has made more sense to me this week in a personal way than I think I've ever experienced before. I get how it is difficult to wrestle with God. I get how he walked away wounded. And I get walking away from the experience saying "Surely God is in this place." Limping... but more faithful and convicted than when you were whole.

I attended a funeral today of a man I wish I knew. And in a way only God can work, I do. Paul said all things are ours... the memories and love others had for him first hand find their way into my heart too, even if only as they are shared. I may have missed out on a personal conversation or a meeting... but the kingdom he impacted is the one I'm in too - his life is my victory, though it seems weird to say that. It's amazing how in death, God speaks through your life to people you never even met. Adam Langford spoke to mine, and it was bold and powerful - inspiring and convicting, and humbling.

I watched my son today... the young man in the casket was only about 27 or so.
I couldn't help thinking about his mom, and then personalizing the thoughts and feelings. While it would rip my heart out, I would be thrilled if my kids rose above the status quo of life to live unsafely because they are in love with the gospel of Jesus. The service managed to bridge the gap between heavenly welcoming and physical parting better than I have ever experienced before.

All that to say... the normal organized me would keep on track and post a follow up from last night. The the other me is accepting God's detour and going to pray and continue to wrestle with all He is trying to say to me tonight on other subjects.

Just didn't want to not explain where I went.:-) And boy, I love you guys. I mean it when I say I consider myself rich from the blessing God brings us through you. Thank you for being amazing... and letting me in on the blessing of it.

Asperger's Journey - Continued

2007-01-22T23:05:00.000-05:00

Wow. You guys are humbling. Thank you for your encouragement. Funny how things never happen the way you think they will. I figured this would be where most would check out for a few weeks. So thank you, for all that you said. It really really touched and surprised me. :-)

And how about Friday night of workshop?.. AIM reunion at our house after the evening speaker? I'll provide a big room and refreshments. Spread the word. :-)

***
Continuing the journey....

So within about 6 months, we learned that not only regular schools, but preschools and daycares weren’t always geared towards kids who “think” like Eli did, either.

He did okay with some things. But he wouldn’t finger paint. (Or do anything messy.) This never changed until we met his present teacher,Cindy.
I can remember one day at preschool he was in trouble because he refused to participate in a class activity that involved getting height and weight, and he didn’t want to step on the scale. He threw a fit. He appeared obstinate – even at 3, over ridiculous things. ( I later learned he was scared of the blinking red numbers on the scale.) Incident after incident left us confused about what was going on in his mind and why he would be so difficult. Desires to want to parent better so he wouldn’t be in trouble all the time just exasperated the process, b/c we didn’t understand what motivated the behavior in the first place. Counseling, therapy, testing…. Countless appointments and no real certain answers. As a few more years went by, his struggles got worse, adding aggression to others into the mix, and by age five he began to struggle with depression. He was smart and sensitive enough to know he wanted to be accepted, and yet struggled with enough issues that he recognized he was always in trouble and wasn’t accepted, by friends or teachers for the most part.

I can remember Eli coming home and sharing that he really would rather just go to heaven than be alive. I loved that he loved Heaven. I hated that at five he already hated life. That was the hardest year, so far. Because I couldn’t fix it.

On the flip side, teaching for a year blessed me with sympathy for teachers. It is difficult to have kids with special needs in a classroom of 15 or 20. And even harder when you or the parents aren’t even sure what you’re dealing with. Behavior just keeps you from teaching regardless of why. Your not a therapist, or a doctor. And it’s easy to wonder if the parents are being parents. I keep that year in mind often.

We began Kindergarten, transferring into a school across town. This was an amazing story of God – because we prayed about this, and it was the last school on my list of choices….but God had lined us up exactly where we needed to be. I just didn’t know why, yet.

Up until that point, I didn’t tell teachers at first that there was a problem with Eli. Mostly, because I didn’t know what the problem was. I kept thinking “Maybe they won’t notice this year….”. I genuinely hoped that.
But, I gave that up for kindergarten. When we went to meet his teacher, I took a letter and handed it off at the last minute before we left. I was scared. And embarrassed. I didn’t know what she would think. And I was depressed before we even started the year. But I knew I had to tell her the year would be difficult. I wanted to let her know the little I knew in hopes of helping him some. I hoped, but wasn’t sure she would care. It wasn't the start I had always imagined.

We walked out of the room after meeting her before school began and made it halfway down the hall. Suddenly his teacher came back out the door, holding the open letter. I don’t know how she’d already read it, honestly. But she stopped us. And she told me that she’d written letters like that herself for years on behalf of her own son, who struggled with similar issues. She had taught special need students for years, and began naming some things she thought we could try to start with. And I can’t remember what else she said after that, because at that moment I was too overwhelmed in the realization of why God had us walk through that door to meet her. And I hugged her. Well, in my memory, I embraced that woman, and I remember walking away hoping that display of emotion wasn’t too overwhelming. But I had hope again. That God had a plan. That He hadn’t walked away. I’d be dishonest if I didn’t admit my days of not being sure about that. But in that moment, I stood humbled and repentant and thrilled and floored.

And so began a relationship that would turn Eli’s world around in this area. The next two years would be a whirlwind of progress and education. And friendship. And hope.

God is good. He can move people all over the globe at just the right time. And one person, in the right place at the right time, really can make a difference in the lives of many....

The Autism Spectrum & Asperger’s ….. You’re affected.

2007-01-21T23:17:00.000-05:00

First of all - Heather and Flee - how fun! You made my day. It's so great to hear from you! Heather - your family is beautiful! I look forward to catching up, and seeing how wonderfully our God is at work in your life. And Flee - if you come in March, I would love to hang out! In fact... Jason and I are thinking of having a good old fashioned AIM night at our house one of the nights... just singing, and chatting and catching up. That would be a highlight for me. :-)

*****

I'm finally keeping my word on a few posts to share about Asperger's Syndrome.
I’ve procrastinated for a while in writing this, partly because of the time it would require, but partly because of the emotion it would require. But I’m up for the task this week, so I figure it’s a good time to start.

This isn’t the normal type of writing I do. But I’m writing on this subject because if you know us, and spend any time with our family, then it’s a worthwhile investment for me to share some of what we’ve learned… if you are up for it too.
Our son, Eli, has Asperger's. It's hard to write that. He doesn't really know, so if you talk to him, please don't mention it. ( That sounds hillarious as I write it out!) But it's amazing that you can live with it and not really get it. And I'm fine with that. I asked recently at a seminar when it's best to tell your child... and it was recommended that you wait until they ask you, which makes sense. So we are.

And if you don’t know us and just happen to stroll through, odds are you know someone on the autism spectrum and may not even know it.

That’s a good place to start, I think. When trying to comprehend autism, it’s probably more helpful to refer to the “Autism Spectrum” - because there is a wide range of what autism looks and functions like in the people who have it. If you go to Memorial, you will encounter multiple people on "the spectrum", adults and kids alike. Most people, when they hear autism, initially think of the movie Rainman. In fact, that was the place Jason and I began our introduction to it too. Rainman was on the "spectrum" for sure. But Bill Gates demonstrates traits of someone with Aspergers (on the spectrum) as well. It's a big range!

I'll start with our personal story.
When Eli was two, he was a funny combination of incredibly smart and oddly quirky. He began speaking early and even exhibited early reading skills without help… it seemed like he was just wired to get words and numbers. He didn’t like snow…or for towels to hang unevenly, or for the microwave clock to be left “blinking”.
When it’s the first child you have raised… everything is new… - so who knows what is normal and what’s not? You just know “wonderful.” And we did.

However, things did happen that made me think something was different. One incident that was memorable happened when he was two. We had an “Upwards” game board that he loved to play with. ( A game much like Scrabble, but with extra letter tiles that you could stack on top of each other and change words by building up as well as on to other words.) Eli loved playing with the pieces of that game. But one day he was especially distressed. A tile was missing. He’d looked all over for it. To tell you the truth, I can’t even remember for sure how he knew one was gone, except that the board was big enough that I think for all the tiles to fit on to it & he was short one.
As I said, he was really upset about the missing tile. We looked for it, and couldn’t find it. He said, “Momma, I think it’s the E” that’s missing.
I thought that was funny, because there are tons of alphabet tiles in that game. And yet, I’d experienced enough oddball things with him that I tucked it away mentally. We never found the tile.

Until a few months later. He had turned three, and I was cleaning out his toy box to make room for news gifts received on his birthday. As I dumped out the contents of that box, there at the bottom of it was the tile.
An E.

I’m not an idiot and I get coincidences. I knew, though I didn’t know how it could be, that this was not one. I called Jason, because I was genuinely freaked out. He came home from work. I can remember stepping out in the garage and explaining to him what had happened. We both just looked in the screen door to the room where Eli sat innocently watching a movie. I remember looking at him like he was the kid from the movie “Sixth Sense.” I felt guilty and scared and not sure of what to do with that.

We called his pediatrician and made an appointment. As I explained the things we’d experienced and the incident of the “E”… I referenced the movie Rainman. That moment is frozen in my head.

We had an amazing pediatrician, who reassured me that Eli was not a Savant, as the movie depicted. But he did let us know that we would deal with “this” more and more, and especially as Eli began school. “Schools aren’t really designed for kids that think like he does… but you can cross that bridge when you get there,” he said.

What is the "this" he referred to, I wondered? How exactly does he “think”? I can remember wanting to know more, and knowing the doctor wasn't going to offer more at the time. Why would school be a problem for a kid that can remember a ton of alphabet tiles and know exactly which one is missing at age two?!? Seriously? (I was thinking we should call Oprah too!!)

And yet, I was thankful that he wasn’t Rainman. And we had a few years before school would begin, so I thought I would do exactly what he said… and put it out of my mind.

And I did, for about 6 more months. But I'll stop there for tonight.

(And I WON'T take 6 months for the next post, I promise.) :-)

Take a moment

2007-01-21T00:33:00.000-05:00

Please read Clint's writings on Moses Kimeze,who was killed this week in Uganda.

I never knew Moses. I wish I would have had the honor. I now genuinely look forward to the day I do meet him...

Kids and colds

2007-01-20T23:35:00.000-05:00

Michelle - Would LOVE to get together with you! We miss you - and were just talking about you last night! So PLEASE tell us when you're in town! woo hoo!

Ang- I love that God does this between us! I look forward to learning from Him in you as you read!

So my kiddos are home tonight with coughs and runny noses. The kind that make you hurt to look at them. I actually found Eli in the bathroom looking for medicine I could give him. That's a first, b/c it all tastes nasty.

And Julia gave a new description to fever and chills that I thought was great. I laid her in bed and she said:
"Momma, I feel like a snowman,.... that's melting..."

She looked like it too. :-)

I got tagged!

2007-01-18T22:16:00.000-05:00

Thanks Dusty! As silly as it is... I've always wanted to be tagged! (Theresa was working on it but is busy being an auntie this week!) And thanks Jeanne and Angie.... for getting me off my unblogging kiester with encouragement as well. :-)

Brandon - WELCOME BACK!! Missed you, man!

I have LOVED being snowed in here in Tulsa~! I'd have much to catch up on... BUT I'm almost all caught up with everything else around my house! That's what 7 uninterrupted days do for me!!

Jeanne- glad you loved the book! (The Cross Examination of Oliver Finney) ! Now you don't have to take my word for it .... take Jeanne's !

And check out the video of Cindy's son sledding on ice up in Owasso. (In their BACK YARD! Seriously fun... and a long ride!!

Okay, Dusty tagged me, so here goes:

Here is how it works:
1) Grab the book closest to you
2) Open to page 123, go down to the fourth sentence
3) Post the text of the following three sentences
4) Name the author and book title
5) Tag three people to do the same

Here's the quote:
"Further, God sees great advantage in awaiting our cry because He is unequivocally driven by relationship. Throughout your ascent out of that pit, never lose sight of the fact that God will forever be more interested in you knowing your Healer than experiencing His healing, and knowing your Deliverer than knowing your deliverance. The King of all creation wants to reveal Himself to you."

- Beth Moore, Get Out of That Pit -Straight Talk about God's Deliverance

I'm not even that far into the book, but I love it already, and God has grown me much through her writings. When this title came out, I was excited to tackle it because it touches on areas I struggle with... doing well for a while, then 'cycling' through periods of disconnectedness, or confusion... And wondering why? and if I will ever grow up enough that it will stop? So I'm learning a little more about that through lives of Godly people who've found themselves feeling the same way.

I'm not far into it yet, but already identify with the concept that sometimes we're surprised to find ourselves in a pit, and other times we try to convince ourselves we're not even in a pit by just decorating it nicely and making it feel homey... but all the while feeling disatisfied. Sometimes we are thrown into a pit innocently, (like Joseph) and sometimes we dig ourselves into it. Beth does a good job a journeying through the biblical examples of pits, and what they teach us about our God.

I love learning from those who've been there before, don't you?

Had lunch with wise, relaxed friend who has lived the uptightness I try to at times and walked away from it. It's great being given permission to walk away from it too. I'm learning, little by little. Eventually, learning becomes doing.

So, who do I get to tag?
Cindy, Jeanne (since you both have so much time on your hands this week....) and Brenda,(my dear friend who needs something fun and cheery to do while recovering! (And Abbey..... who ISN'T in Paris anymore and needs to admit it to the rest of the world by UPDATING! LOL)

I'm off to watch the Weather Channel talk about more snow!!!!!!!!!!

2007-01-08T22:05:00.000-05:00

Shane..... (feel the glare....) If you didn't crack me up so much......

Cindy... remember now, you were the one who sent me home with Marshmallows last year.... veggies are not an option. :-)

Jeanne - thanks for that verse. I may paint it on the wall... it speaks what I need before me daily. Thank you! Glad you love the book! We'll have to trade when you're done!

A few more cute ones from Julia today:

Julia and Jason were sitting together and he was commenting on her hand laying in his:

Jason : "Julia, who has littler fingers?"
Julia: " Me."
Jason: "Who has bigger fingers? "
Julia (slyly): Me.
Jason: "Who has the prettiest fingers?"
Julia: "Me."
Jason: "Whose not going to use their fingers to pick their nose anymore?"
Julia: (Without missing a beat..) "YOU."
****

And this one, came after nap time, when she likes to change her clothes. I don't like her to do this, since it just makes for more laundry....
"Momma, I changed my pants because I like these Disney Princess pants better than the others. But I like Jesus the mostest!"
Who can argue with that? I already have sympathy for any future son-in-law.

****

An update on Whit and Adrienne, for family and friends that have been praying but aren't on our church email list...
Today, a surgeon who had not seen Ben before came in to evaluate him and do a bronchoscopy, which involved sending a camera in to evaluate his anatomy. Upon doing so, the doctor encountered a large cyst blocking the tube, so much so that he couldn't finish the procedure. This is in fact potentially exciting news, because he believes, based on other observations he's made, that this could in fact be the problem rather than a tube defect. An MRI will let them know if Ben's tubes are properly formed for sure, but this means in fact that he can be moved and an MRI can be performed. The surgeon has removed cysts like this before, whereas he had not performed the type of surgery they had suspected Ben would need.

Overall, Ben's situation is still critical, but less so. They actually moved him slightly today - Adrienne briefly held him up while they changed out his bedding, they got to give him kisses, etc.
And today, for the first time, the doctors actually talked about a time they might bring him home - and I understood that noone had talked about that potential before today. She said that they have praised God all along, but especially want everyone to join them in praising God for this hopeful news delivered today. It is a true gift!

And so is this family, to us. :-)

2007-01-07T22:33:00.000-05:00

Well - John and Jeanne love the books they won... so if you haven't started reading the books, you no longer have to settle for just my opinion!!

On a funny note (which we are never short of around here) Julia entertained us well tonight.
We had a meal following our small group bible study. I had made a big pot of chicken noodle soup... and one of the younger girls, Carolyn, was adding some hot sauce to hers when Julia walked by and saw what she was doing.

"Don't use that all up, " said Julia.

Why?" asked Carolyn.

"Because we have to use that for me when I pick my nose and eat it." said Julia.

I don't know which was funnier: that she shared our discipline techniques on her own embarrasing habits, or that she actually wanted the hot sauce preserved in case she needed it again. :-) She'll appreciate that when she's 20.

BTW, I was not in time out, I was exasperated, COMMA...... however, Shane, you are in a blogging time out, Mr. Funny Man.

On a serious note, this weeks resolution is to stop saying "no" to things I think are impossible, and to stop saying "yes" just because something is possible. I really want to let God lead and to disconnect from the me that feels pretty competent at doing life on my own. I want to let thoughts of how I just messed something up go... I want to embrace the Spirit led thoughts that cross my heart but normally get pushed out by the fears of my flesh.

This resolution really began in the form of a prayer, last week. It's shocking, when you pray sincerely and desperately, and God begins to answer. He is peeling away layers in me this week that are both terrifying and energizing. Funny how going where you want to go can feel so uncomfortable. I

I love YODA

2007-01-06T14:20:00.000-05:00

This morning I got up to exercise. I exercise in the living room, and in the past, the kids have been so fascinated by this obscene ritual that I rarely get to finish if I start after they are awake. The last interruption resulted in an exasperated mom and two kids sitting in time out in their bedrooms for five minutes. (And I only exercise for 20 minutes in the first place!)

So this morning, as I got ready to begin, I asked the kids if they would entertain themselves so I could have some time to do this in peace.

Remembering the last episode, Eli confidently and emphatically said "YES! We will do it!

Julia said sweetly (and honestly) "We will try!"

Eli said: "No! We will do it!"

Julia said: "Well.... we will try to do it!"

Eli looked at Julia very seriously and said "Julia: 'Do or do not. There is no try'."

I like that he gets the "let your yes be yes concept" from Yoda.

Whit, Adrienne and Ben

2007-01-03T22:55:00.000-05:00

Whit and Adrienne have a blog now at which you can follow some of all that is happening with the birth of Ben. You can click on Whit's link below on the right or go to www.seekthefather.blogspot.com

Please don't leave the site without praying for this precious couple, and for Ben. I'm continually inspired by their courage and faith. They have a relationship with God that walks daily through the unknown more gracefully than they would ever believe about themselves. And Ben's fragile little life has already captured our hearts. Thanks for sharing this journey with them.

Congratulations!

2007-01-02T18:32:00.000-05:00

Congrats to Jeanne, Lisa, Briley, Cindy, Brenda and John! One of the books will be on their way to you ASAP! (And you can trade with each other if you want to read the other one!)

More importantly, thank you so much for sharing! I think one of my favorite things about a blog is getting to have a personal, intimate conversation though we might never be in the same room at the same time. ( And for all of us, that is really rare!) Thanks for sharing your heart and your life. Each of you are so uniquely fun and amazing - I feel so blessed beyond belief around each of you. Thank you!

Doing it Wrong, Doing it right... Just doing it.

2007-01-01T23:12:00.000-05:00

Tonight, Jason was searching all over the house for Eli as we were trying to get the kids ready for bed.

He finally found him in our master bathroom, sitting on the toilet reading my book "What Good Parents Have in Common."

As if that sight weren't funny enough, when he walked in, Eli looked up and said "Dad, I'm reading some of the stuff you're doing wrong."

Jason quickly backed out the door to laugh before hustling him on to bed.

****

I had given up, but Dusty inspired me to think about New Year's resolutions. I have decided to make resolutions week by week. That is my resolution... to set a weekly goal and accomplish it. Ultimately, I want to develop more self discipline, so it can be applied in numerous ways.

This weeks: to begin exercising again. And I started this morning. My goal is to get in three times this week.

****

Some friends this week, are experiencing joy and sorrow at the birth of their baby boy who's future is uncertain at the moment. I stand continually amazed at how God continues to minister to Jason and I as well, through a family here at Memorial that loves them and supports them intensely during this time. His people in this place love amazingly. It grows me up daily.

***

I shared a while back about two books that I loved reading...The Cross Examination of Jesus Christ and The Cross Examination of Oliver Finney. Thanks to my wonderful and generous friend Stu, at Waterbrook Press... I have some copies to send to the first few people who would like to share a resolution they have made about their walk with God this year.
(Since I can't just expect some people to begin commenting after I took two weeks off, I'm hoping bribery will work....) :-)

I am reading a Beth Moore book, "Believing God". It's a look not just at believing in God, but actually believing God.
In studying some of the promises we as children are to take to heart, I found this quote:
"God promised us a place we could live. God didn't promise the children of Israel a place they could visit. He promised them a place they could settle and dwell in blessing. A land they could possess. A place they could find Sabbath rest. According to John 15, New Testament believers have likewise been called to a place of abiding. Living. Dwelling. I finally came to a point in my Christian walk where I grew bone weary of inconsistency being my only constant. Occasional wisps of authentic spiritual living only multiplied my frustrations. I then knew a place of fullness and effectiveness in Christ existed, but at best I was a drop-in. My soul needed a place it could live. I longed for my defeats to be infrequent visitations, not my victories. .....It's high time we stopped dropping in, and started taking up residency."

That best describes my own hope and desire for growth in Him this year. I'm thankful for those who share what they've learned on their journey that leads me a little further along myself.